New Segment

I’m launching a new segment that looks at the best and worst of Facebook status updates in any one week. This will assist users in learning what they are getting right, and where they are going wrong.

The Best:
Amy Maiden: Oh, hi Thursday, its only you. No offence… But I was really hoping it was Friday.
Amy’s come a long way from the little girl who used to ride a dingo to school in the outback.

Adrian Guerin: Adrian’s flatmate and his gf are away for 2 weeks. What? The house can be clean? Overload, overload, pleasure overload. I love you Santa. And then some bad news… http://adrianguerin.blogspot.com
Candid, witty and insightful, it cleverly directed users towards the blog. It also took advantage of the new Facebook function that allows users to block certain people from seeing the update. But now I’ve put it on the blog, they’ll see it anyway. Bugger.

Line Hammer Nygaard: er der noget bedre end stormvejr og bådtur? og så lige med pax fra helvede, i dag måtte pax gerne være en hund!
I was thinking the same thing.

Marie Schultz: Tomorrows forecast: 42 with a high chance of bubbles and feasting. Moderate levels of backyard cricket, turning to general laziness on the lawn in the evening.
This smacks of a status update written purely to make it onto The Best list. Still good though.

The Worst
Chloé Farkas: is making A GINGERBREAD HOUSE… with lots of lollies and a WHOLE FAMILY OF GINGERBREAD MEN!!
Chloe is always a strong performer on The Worst list, often littering friends’ news feeds with irrelevant and uninteresting updates on her every move. Here, she uses uppercase inappropriately.

Chloé Farkas: ST KILDA FOR SOME TAN TIME… YES PLEASE!
Again, stop shouting Chloe, your voice is loud enough.

Chloé Farkas: Cant Sleep there is a MASSIVE moth in my room….
Why are you telling me this?

Adrian Guerin: has how many announcements? Two. Oh cool. http://adrianguerin.blogspot.com
It’s lame to have conversations with yourself in a status update. It’s even more lame to say ‘oh cool’ in response to your own answer in a status update. Very poor form.

Matt Stuart: had his first gay experience last night, Europe has f*****d my mind!
If you’re a proper, burly and homophobic Aussie brute, it’s not cool to reveal experiences of this nature on Facebook, as you will more than likely be subjected to a chorus of ravenous barking from your brutish mates. Wait a minute, I think I wrote that for him when he left his profile unattended. Come on, I should be above that petulance now I’m approaching 25. Grow up (not likely)
.

Posted in Facebook Post Comment

The stats don’t lie

Today I reflected on the Facebook Marketing stats for my blog… of the 2 status updates I’ve done to promote it, there have been a total of 3 ‘likes’ (one of which was from my sister) and 2 comments (again, one from my sister, the other… from me). I must say this is a little disheartening when the status update prior to mine spoke of how ‘Shelly’ had just cooked an amazing spaghetti Bolognese, and was now going to snuggle into bed for Sex and the City… “Ooooh Can’t wait!!”, and 10 people gave it the thumbs up. And then another 10 commented on how “delish” this sounded and how amazing Shelly’s life is. C’mon people, I’m out here putting my neck on the line to entertain, and you’re all more interested in what Shelly’s having for dinner? Fuck it.

It’s generally a sign that you’re closer than you’ve ever been before to becoming a loser, when the only people who think you are doing well are your family. ‘Don’t worry Aid, we think you’re funny’.

Knowing the calibre of you lot, you’ll all probably now deliberately ignore my status updates and blog, just to provoke rage. Well sorry, I’m one step ahead. I have now decided to give my own status updates the thumbs up, and comment on my own blog posts. Now who’s the loser? Ha Ha Ha

Posted in Facebook Post Comment

Anecdote

A girl I dated last year (no one you know) didn’t fancy a pash the night we met, she didn’t even fancy a peck after our first date, after our second date however, she invites me back to her house and I end up staying the night.. and it was a Monday. WTF?! On our third date, I asked her to try not to forget to take her medication. There wasn’t a fourth date.

Posted in Anecdote Post Comment

The Sauna

Woman

This one time, in the sauna, a woman took her top off and got her breasts out. Seriously. She just lay down with it all on show. I thought, wtf?! This aint Scandinavia love, who do you think you are anyway? I wondered if she was giving me a private show or if that’s just what she did all the time. It got me thinking how woman can just do as they wish. I occasionally let certain woman do as they wish with me, or rather, to me, but if I were to be relaxing in the sauna in the company of a lady, and decided it was time to give Mr Johnson and his backroom staff some airplay, I think it would be just a tad different. Don’t you? The point is made.

Men

I feel sorry for the hot woman who have to use the sauna at the gym I attend, as some guys rape them with their eyes. I try to make an effort to not look too much at a hot bikini clad girl in the sauna, as it might be a tad inappropriate. I might glance to check her out when I know she’s not looking, otherwise it’s eyes straight ahead. Unless I think she’s checking me out, then I’ll check her out. We’ll check each other out, then we’ll both get awkward and fidgety and I’ll wonder if I should spark a conversation, until the heat gets unbearable and the moment passes. Then I think ‘Curse my inability to act at the crucial moment, curse it!!’ I can’t figure out if it’s inappropriateto chat a girl up when we are both half naked, dripping sweat with pulsating bodies after a workout, or if it’s more appropriate than ever.

Some guys see a hot girl enter the sauna, and literally just stare, gaze, gawk, gape, watch, eye rape etc etc. It’s similar to the look Steph gives me most days at work.. I want you. I want you now! Anyway, You can tell the girl is thinking ‘Ok, it’s been 5 minutes now, this guy has crossed the boundaries of appropriate social behaviour, I must leave’. I guess the guy has no shame, so he need not worry about shame. He also knows his chances of ever finding a wife have long gone, as have his chances of ever having free sex again. So this is the pinnacle for him. And fair enough.

Posted in Observations Post Comment