Stuff I Learnt In My Twenties

This is an exciting new segment that will be updated sporadically in the form of chapters. It’s called… Stuff I Learnt In My Twenties. It discusses stuff I learnt in my twenties.

Chapter 1: Job titles

20 Years of age: I automatically had a massive amount of respect for an individual, based purely on their job title. If they have that as their title, they must be good. There’s no way they could have fluked themselves into that position. I will look to you for guidance. I am inferior to you and I will act accordingly.

29 years of age: By then I had learnt that quite often, imbeciles somehow fall into positions of authority and manage to stay there. I learnt to keep an open mind, but to also accept the possibility that this person may not have a single clue. From a distance it all sounds ok. If they explained to a stranger what they did for a living, the stranger would be impressed… ‘Wow! You’ve really made it. Good on you matey’. But if the stranger saw what it is they actually did for a living, they would write a blog post about it. Over the 10 years I saw the good, the bad and the completely fucking useless. When I saw which is classified, though none of it is based on recent events. My one piece of advice would be, if you ever start your own business, MAKE SURE YOU PUT THE RIGHT PEOPLE IN THE RIGHT POSITIONS. I cannot stress this enough people. Never underestimate the power of a dipshit to bring the company down from the inside. They will invent new ways to throw away company money, but never forget to remind you the importance of saving it. They will love to emphasise the importance of adhering to the company ethos, but have no problem contradicting it on a minute by minute basis. They will invent spectacular new ways to mismanage people. If you are placing a man in a position of authority, MAKE SURE HE IS A MAN, not a walking penis with two testicals as legs that will go weak in the company of a personable female. Job titles are there to serve a purpose, not to act as an ego trip or a chance to realise a sexual fantasy. These are the people who can speak for 20 minutes without saying a single sentence of interest. Example:

“Hi guys, thanks for coming. Ah, look, I’ll keep it brief…. Just close the door Bill. Ta mate. I know you’re all busy. Ah, well, the main reason I wanted to get you all together…. is to…. discuss the possibility of looking at the potential to prewarn…. actually, before I go any further, it might be worth me just going through a few points that will just to give you a bit of a background into the project, just a bit of a context really. Ah……. there is a situation, whereby a number of people are looking to… hold on, is that my phone? Just give me a minute. Oh, wrong number. Yeah sorry guys. Where were we? Oh yeah… I know you’re all busy, my apologies. Ah, well, yeah, the main reason I wanted to get you all together…. is to just discuss the possibility of looking at the potential opportunity that has arisen and will need a lot of… ah, actually….. actually, before I go any further, I’ll just give you guys a bit of a background into the project, how it all came about, just a bit of a context really. Ah……. there is a situation, where a number of people are looking to… hold on, is that my phone? No? Oh, ok, aaah….” Etc Etc Etc Etc

Angry, bemused, confused, the attendees look at each other…. ‘Pssst, wtf is he trying to say? We’ve been here 28 minutes and he still hasn’t said anything. He seems like he’s trying to prewarn us about a project or something. Is this a bit?’ ‘It’s not a bit, just tune out, there’s a cool bird flying outside the window, focus on that, otherwise your brain may get infected.’ ‘Oh, ok’.

The meeting concludes with you having fewer brain cells and less time. You’ve also probably had a number of annoying phrases seep into your subconscious which may come back to bite you, such as prewarn, and, ah…. just… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh………….

See Jon Stewart discuss it here.

But kids, remember not to become a combative and belligerent little shit by default (room looks at me, me goes red. What?). There are many people who made it to their position through hard work, talent, insight and balanced ambition. They have much to offer and it pays to absorb as much as you can from them. They are genuinely interesting. They stand for something. They have talent and achievements the likes of which you can only dream. Use your filters people. The dipshits provide priceless guidance in how not to act. How not to speak. How not to be. The talented people will stay with you forever. Well, actually, they both will. It’s up to you to work out how.

Thanks everyone.

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Quotes of the Week

I’m not getting old, I was just getting fat.
Revelation after losing weight while sick recontoured the shape of my face to reveal it wasn’t changing with age, it was just changing with curry and chocolate.

This is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in.
Not me, mine is 6 years.
Really? With who?
My penis during my teens.

‘Squeeze in everyone, there is no dignity in a situation like this’.
Witty comment made by rush hour commuter attempting to board the notorious Northern Line.

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Found on the web this week



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