Living life in the fast lane

Some of you will have noticed recent blog posts openly exhibiting a greater level of anger and hostility towards life. This is a symbol of me continuing to come out of my shell and make the transition from boy to man. The picture below was taken last weekend and many in the media have claimed it is an accurate depiction of the tough guy image I am gradually learning to accept, and even embrace.

Now, what I am going to do is talk you through the photograph, much like a teacher will talk students through a work of art. The keen eye will notice the sunglasses… large and gold with a highly reflective surface, generally the type that mavericks and rogue cops wear. Notice they are complemented by a silver watch. Silver and gold on a man is a show of manhood, as is driving at the extreme speed shown in the photograph. By combining speed and bling, the boy openly flaunts his strength. You will also notice the nonchalantly aggressive expression on the boys face, refusing to acknowledge the camera despite his obvious awareness of it, symbolising his cool attitude and mental strength in not getting distracted by the critics. Finally, you will notice the boys fist and middle finger being raised, most likely directed at society, symbolising the boys unwillingness to conform to the ostensible nature of its conventions.

Rather predictably, the media critics have questioned the masculinity of the boy… *stop talking in third person*… sorry, of me, by highlighting the fact this shot was taken while driving a small, light blue, feminine hatchback. Further to this, it was revealed that whenever I tried step things up a notch by changing from fourth gear into fifth, I accidentally went back into third and stalled on the busy highway, offering sorry waves to the surrounding motorists as I rode the clutch in tears.

Sadly, the last paragraph is true (apart from the tears). To these critics I simply say, look at the photo my friends, look at the photo. Thanks everyone xxx

Posted in Maverickism Post Comment

My Speech to Apple Conference

Firstly, watch this ad.

YouTube Direkt

‘Not fond of rules and no respect for status quo’. These were the words of Apple in 1997, does anyone see the irony here? I know it was never aired, but many ads like it are. Is it just me that thinks there’s something not quite right about a plastic brand, Apple, aligning its artificially constructed ideals with those of genuine icons? Cashing-in and riding the wave of people who actually stood for something beyond share price and market share? If I ever go on to be like Gandhi, and at this stage it’s looking more and more likely that I will be the next Gandhi, (Gandhi, Martin Luther King, either way, Mum assures me I’ll be special), please don’t let a shiny brand take the things I strived for and can cash-in on them to give their own plastic concoction a face-lift to sell more products. If Apple really did believe its own nicely written copy, it would be….

At this point I realised the crowd had stopped paying attention to my speech and were now chatting amongst themselves. Except for one guy, who said ‘Sit down and shut up you angry little cunt!’
Watch the language! You sit down!
Fuck you.
No, Fuck you!
At this point people started paying attention again.
Fuck you all. You’re all sheep. Go on; buy another gadget, Baaaaaa, Baaaaaa. Blind sheep. Obsess over a brand. Worship false idols. Baaaaaaa.
A chair was thrown on stage, followed by a ball of fire. The chair hit me in the stomach, which hurt dearly, causing me to momentarily fall to the ground, my face grimacing in pain. Everyone laughed.
Ah fuck it. Time to step it up a notch.
I pulled out my iPad, and presented it to the crowd, Steve Jobs style (minus the pointy thing in my pants). I raised it high above my head, held it for a minute, before letting it drop to the floor, shattering it to pieces. The crowd gasped in horror, and were now panicking, ‘This guy’s crazy’, they said. I then pulled out a can of petrol, like a magician pulls out props from his bag of tricks, and doused it all over the iPad. I waited another minute, before lighting a match, this time in the style of a clown doing tricks, and flicked the flame onto the iPad. A lady let out a horror-movie-style scream. A man fainted. The mood was one of pure fear. The flames rose high. I then stripped naked, my Gap jeans, my H&M t-shirt, my CK boxers, they all came off. I pulled out a robe and walking stick from my bag, and put them on, signaling I had now rejected the artificial values of the 30-second TVC styled world we now live in. I stood behind the flames, which were now raging, laughing into them like a madman. ‘Fuck Apple and its fake values! Fuck consumerism! Fuck false idols! I am king. Burn Apple, 2-faced devil, buuuuuuurrrrrrnnn!’. By now the entire auditorium was filled with screams. Riot police entered from all corners. It was chaos.

I put on my cape and darted out of the building, moving like a fox. I hailed down a passing truck, which pulled over and asked, ‘Where to sir?’ ‘Take me to the hills please’. ‘Which hills?’ ‘The ones far, far away from here. Please sir, just drive. I need some time away from this plastic, consumer driven world. I want to live with the village people to discover life, yeah; the village people will show me real life values.’

After days of driving we finally rolled up to a Himalayas styled mountain shrouded in mist. ‘I didn’t know we had mountains like this in the UK, this will do fine sir.’ I offered him some coins. He said, ‘Keep your coins, I want change’. As I stepped out of the van, I saw masses of people marching, angrily chanting, and thought the worst. However, now they were no longer against me, they were supporting me. My words had finally resonated with them. They had seen the light. They now saw me as their leader, wow, mum was right after all, I am special. I looked back to the driver, ‘I think change has come sir’, we had a tearful embrace and he drove away, immediately disappearing into the mist. They were waving iPad’s, iPhones, marketing material, press releases, all fuel to start a fire. Apple had been tracking the movements of the dissidents with their iPhones, and, sensing the backlash, they came down hard. All of a sudden there was a sound of mass ‘pings’, the dissidents were receiving emails from Apple, with new offers and press releases. They lowered prices to include more consumers into the ‘information revolution’, not just middle/upper class types. They gave the consumer the power to choose if they wanted to sync or not to sync. The new iPad had a new built in thought thinker. They offered to release a new iPhone with actual updates on it. They paid sweatshop workers more than the minimum market rate, they promised to be more environmentally friendly. They allowed people to criticize them. The people scorned it. The empire had fallen. I raised my fist, holding a green apple in the sky, and crushed it.

Then I woke up. The alarm from my iPhone was ringing. I checked it for emails, Apple was sending me updates. I turned on my iPad for the daily news, and saw another round of tributes to the man who changed the world, I re-read it, The. Man. Who. Changed. The. World. There were also a few articles with a sneak peak at the new iPhone, which was basically the same, but had a higher resolution camera with a higher price tag. I checked Facebook; my best friend had changed his profile pic to Steve jobs, and did another Apple status update, with links to Apple ads. As did another friend. And another. And another. I walked passed another mural for Apple. Past another Apple billboard. Something about all this didn’t seem right. Deep down, I doubted the importance of all this, the significance, like in primary school when I was told to pray to God and sing, and honour Jesus’ death. I wondered why? But I never asked. I felt guilty. So I would pray anyway. Pray. Pray. Just pray.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit

Posted in Apple, Fiction Post Comment

The picture of a sociecty that has lost its way

I toyed with the following status updates about my deep affinity with a computer brand, but ultimately refrained, for fear of death threats, having my house burned, being labelled blasphemous, a non-believer, a hypocrite, an enemy of the party, an enemy of designers etc

  • Thanks Steve, for making my comfortable middle class world a little more comfortable. I, we, the middle/upper class in the western world, are the world. And you upgraded this world so that it is more convenient for us. We don’t care how our products are made, or who makes them, just make them please, and make them shiny. So yes, as the Apple loyalists and media are saying, you changed the world (our world that is, we are the world). Again, thanks.
  • Thanks for making technology kind of a bit easier, information a bit more accessible, and providing me with nicer looking devices. These things are key to my quest for happiness and fulfilment. Without them, I’m not sure I’d cope.
  • Thanks for your tireless philanthropy work and commitment to putting something back into the world. The world desperately needs your kind. You clearly saw a world beyond your own ego. You were on par with Bill Gates with your vision. Bill Gates started the Big History Project and The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. You… um, you clamped down on anyone who criticised you. No wait, you didn’t waste time caring too much about the human cost of producing gadgets. No, you… um… you, actually, what did you do that didn’t have a dollar sign and copyright symbol next to it? Next update.
  • Thanks for not giving me the option of owning just one of your companies products, and instead forcing me to buy all of them. I’d prefer to not have the prerequisite of owning the latest Apple Mac in order to activate my iPad, and I’d prefer to listen to the music I’ve downloaded on my iPad, on my Blackberry too. But I understand that these wishes conflict with the Empires goal of wiping out all competition and monopolising the market. I trust you. I obey you. I will buy more of your products. You know better than me. I will not question you. Make love to me.
  • Thanks for creating people at bars who spend their time obsessing over gadgets instead of looking people in the eye and engaging in an old fashioned, face to face, conversation.
  • Thanks for creating people who sit at bars showcasing pointless apps and video games. The video games are basically the same as the games I played when I was a kid, except, now they’re on a tiny screen.
  • Thanks for the words ‘You cannot view this video. Your device does not support Flash’

Stuff & Shit Editorial

For the record, I don’t think that doing business according to the law of the jungle (kill or be killed), and simply setting out to satisfy your own agenda, necessarily makes you a bad person. It’s just business, and technically, good business. And it’s the climate businesses operate in. My question is, do we really need to idolise/give thanks and free advertising to this business model? The one that won’t rest until all competition is gone and where boundless proliferation of $elf is the goal. Maybe there are other things we can find to worship and obsess over, rather than gadgets and power hungry brands. And maybe if Apple put some of its infinite wealth and power back into causes other than itself, it’d be real. Basically, if you wanna ride with Stuff & Shit, you better read the Terms and Conditions, bitch.


Actually, before you go… in closing, for the Apple obsessives, I quote Elaine Benes in the Seinfeld episode where she looks around and sees everyone eating Snickers bars with a knife and fork… ‘What is wrong with you people?! Have you all gone mad?!!’

*Picture courtesy of Wayne Joyce’s Facebook page, which had the caption ‘You pathetic, sad people.’ Stuff & Shit supports this caption.

Posted in Apple Post Comment