I think I’ve done enough ranting about advertising, so today I’m going to open this one up to my students. Kids, hands up who can tell me what is wrong with this ad? Yes Billy, you.
Um, the man looks like a woman. Even though he’s not a transvestite or cross dresser, he looks like a woman.
Yes, Billy, very good. The man looks like a woman. He exhibits physical characteristics that are worryingly feminine. Nothing wrong with a man wanting to look this way, each to their own, but I suspect this was not the aim of Dolce & Gabbana. This is Photoshop gone wrong. Fail, Dolce & Gabbana, fail.
Next. Yes please Sally, your turn.
The man looks gold, even though he’s Anglo.
Brilliant observation Sally. Yes, this man is gold. He is a gold man. Not because he is mixed race, not even because he’s a sauna junkie, but because D&C have decided it’s cool to be gold. Not tanned. Gold. So they coloured him gold. Write that down kids, It’s cool to look gold. Try and find a way to colour your skin gold.
Kenny, you look quite keen for your point to be heard, you’re turn.
Um, the man looks like a reformed kiddie fiddler.
Kenny, why do you say this?
Um, the look in his eyes, it’s the same one Brother Rory gives me in Religious Education class. Brother Rory is a reformed kiddie fiddler, that’s why he’s part of the Catholic Church.
Kenny, please! Unfortunately you’re wrong here. I’m afraid Brother Rory is still a kiddie fiddler. There have been several complaints. However, it’s the Church’s policy to protect its brand, so you’re just going to have to take it, literally. You be careful around him Kenny, especially during confirmation. Make sure it’s bread he places in your mouth! Bread, Kenny! Now pray to the Pope so he protects you from the Brotherhood.
Yes Sandra, what do you see?
I see a man who is 42 years old, but doesn’t have a single wrinkle or bit of texture or life in his skin.
Fantastic, yes. This is not because he’s the pinnacle of good health, this is because D&C have decided that it’s cool to be a Photoshop file. To not be human. Everybody, please give thanks to D&C for showing us how we should aspire to look, even though it’s not possible. For trying to make us look like Photoshop files. More makeup Sandra, D&C would like more make-up on you please, no wrinkles. Anyone else?
He shaves his chest. He has woman’s lips. His lips are too red. He’s really shiny. The ad took up half a page of my newspaper.
Yes. Who said that last one, Joey? Excellent work Joey. This one is crucial. Some newspapers won’t print ads campaigning for social change or increased awareness on certain issues, for fear of offending people and advertisers, but they’ll print this?!
Ok kids, it’s time for science class. What is this I’m carrying into the classroom?
A very large tank of highly flammable liquid.
Correct. Now, if we mix very large tanks of highly flammable liquid with balls of fire, what happens?
And if we place the ad in the fire, what happens?
It burns. D&C burns.
Please throw all other appropriate material in the fire kids. Now here’s some literature with which I’d like you all to familiarise yourselves. You won’t find celebrities or aftershave in these papers. You won’t find ads. Disseminate the material at recess. Together we’ll get things done. Now, fists in the air.
Together Everyone Achieve More.