Do’s & Don’ts

While searching for info on renewing my passport, I found the following ‘Do’s & Don’ts’ regarding passport pics. I found the tips quite vague and have since elaborated to give readers a clearer understanding of who can and cannot sit for a passport photograph.

Please read their suggestions, followed by my elaborations: Continue Reading

Posted in Analysis Post Comment

Working For The Empire

I’ve worked for many Empires over the years; that is, large global/semi-global firms whose sole purpose is to expand. I’ve worked in a few different fields, in a few different capacities. Empire’s are interesting beasts. Expansion is key for the Empire, not quality, expansion. We work believing that as the Empire grows, we too will grow. We too enjoy the spoils. But we don’t. We stay where we are. Where we have always been. And where we will always be.

Superiors
Of course personal growth is possible, but it is problematic. The Empire creates an artificial class system, a hierarchy, and workers are expected to honour that class system, respect that hierarchy. Because to grow means to overtake your superior, or to make the superior feel less superior. Superiors don’t like that, that’s why they’re superior. A superior has status anxiety, so if they’re not superior, they are anxious. They don’t want to be anxious, they want to be superior, that’s why they’re superior. So, if they see a threat to their superiority, they’ll do what they can to block it, or, to create ways to make themselves appear important/superior. Plus, if you overtake your superior, it means you’re entitled to more of the Empires money. And if you get more money, it means the Empire compromises its bottom line. This affects expansion. Expansion is key. We can’t have more money, because the Empire is expanding. Expansion needs money. You are the bottom line. It’s better if you just stay in your place, it’s easier that way. It’s much easier to just keep the same superiors, because after all, they are just doing what the Empire asks, they’re just continuing an established thought, so why go to the trouble of changing them? The superiors are rewarded handsomely for their loyalty to the Empire, like rewarding a dog with a juicy bone. At the end of the year when the bonus bones are divided, the guard dogs (superiors) get more. Not for their leadership, not for their insight, but for their ability to keep the regular dogs in line. To keep salaries low. The more you do what I say, dog, the more you keep my house in order, the more bones we’ll throw you.

Dogs, Foxes & Pigs
Sometimes regular dogs do manage to get some more bones, some scraps, but they had to fight dirty for them. To succeed, to achieve personal growth, the regime requires dogs to fight dirty; barking, biting, kissing another dogs arse, licking its balls. Most of the time though, trying to play the game this way, just results in you shitting on your own doorstep, with no one to clean it up. Unless you’re a fox, more specifically, a female fox. Female foxes have an edge over the dogs, because a guard dog will salivate over an attractive fox. If a guard dog sniffs the chance to have his balls licked by a fox, instead of a mere fellow dog, he’ll jump at the chance. It doesn’t matter if the guard dog has a partner; after all, she’s just a bitch. His little tail will wag around the fox, he’ll salivate, he’ll pant, all in the hope he’ll get his balls licked by a fox. It is a pathetic, shameful sight to see this. This is the only time a guard dog will break with the established thought of the regime, and begin to think for himself, when he sniffs the chance of mating with a fox. He’ll try and make things better for the fox. Technically though, he’s still not thinking for himself, he’s thinking for his balls. With his balls, on behalf of his penis. A guard dog never actually thinks for himself, he just shows loyalty to his owner.
The more the guard dog thinks with his balls, something truly amazing happens; he gradually metamorphoses into a pig, until he becomes a pig. The thing about pigs though, they stink. You can hose them down, you can dress them up, you can call them Sir Pig, but they are dirty by nature, so they’ll always stink. The pigs bitch and kids eventually start to smell the stench, but they don’t quite know what it is. They just know it doesn’t smell right. They may even start to think it is themselves that stinks. So in the end they just cover their nose when the pig is around, ignorance is bliss. Likewise the dogs in the regime, it’s just easier not to think.

The First Rule of the Empire
You enter a regime, you enter a movement, thinking this is great; this is where I want to be. Then, the longer you’re there, the more you realise the movement has holes. The movement is contradictory. It’s hypocritical. The movement exists for itself. It is corrupt. It proclaims this. But in reality is that. Just listen to how the dogs bark about the movement when the cameras are off. Pure vitriol. But only when the cameras are off. So eventually, you walk. Before you go, remember the number one rule of the Empire: everyone, absolutely everyone, is free to do as they wish, just as their actions do not conflict with those of the Empire. Your interests must not conflict their interests. Afterall, we’re all just dogs, and dogs must be forever, eternally, everlastingly… loyal to their owner.

Posted in Analysis Post Comment

Dolce & Gabbana


I think I’ve done enough ranting about advertising, so today I’m going to open this one up to my students. Kids, hands up who can tell me what is wrong with this ad? Yes Billy, you.

Um, the man looks like a woman. Even though he’s not a transvestite or cross dresser, he looks like a woman.

Yes, Billy, very good. The man looks like a woman. He exhibits physical characteristics that are worryingly feminine. Nothing wrong with a man wanting to look this way, each to their own, but I suspect this was not the aim of Dolce & Gabbana. This is Photoshop gone wrong. Fail, Dolce & Gabbana, fail.

Next. Yes please Sally, your turn.

The man looks gold, even though he’s Anglo.

Brilliant observation Sally. Yes, this man is gold. He is a gold man. Not because he is mixed race, not even because he’s a sauna junkie, but because D&C have decided it’s cool to be gold. Not tanned. Gold. So they coloured him gold. Write that down kids, It’s cool to look gold. Try and find a way to colour your skin gold.

Kenny, you look quite keen for your point to be heard, you’re turn.

Um, the man looks like a reformed kiddie fiddler.

Kenny, why do you say this?

Um, the look in his eyes, it’s the same one Brother Rory gives me in Religious Education class. Brother Rory is a reformed kiddie fiddler, that’s why he’s part of the Catholic Church.

Kenny, please! Unfortunately you’re wrong here. I’m afraid Brother Rory is still a kiddie fiddler. There have been several complaints. However, it’s the Church’s policy to protect its brand, so you’re just going to have to take it, literally. You be careful around him Kenny, especially during confirmation. Make sure it’s bread he places in your mouth! Bread, Kenny! Now pray to the Pope so he protects you from the Brotherhood.

Yes Sandra, what do you see?

I see a man who is 42 years old, but doesn’t have a single wrinkle or bit of texture or life in his skin.

Fantastic, yes. This is not because he’s the pinnacle of good health, this is because D&C have decided that it’s cool to be a Photoshop file. To not be human. Everybody, please give thanks to D&C for showing us how we should aspire to look, even though it’s not possible. For trying to make us look like Photoshop files. More makeup Sandra, D&C would like more make-up on you please, no wrinkles. Anyone else?

He shaves his chest. He has woman’s lips. His lips are too red. He’s really shiny. The ad took up half a page of my newspaper.

Yes. Who said that last one, Joey? Excellent work Joey. This one is crucial. Some newspapers won’t print ads campaigning for social change or increased awareness on certain issues, for fear of offending people and advertisers, but they’ll print this?!

Ok kids, it’s time for science class. What is this I’m carrying into the classroom?

A very large tank of highly flammable liquid.

Correct. Now, if we mix very large tanks of highly flammable liquid with balls of fire, what happens?

More fire.

And if we place the ad in the fire, what happens?

It burns. D&C burns.

Please throw all other appropriate material in the fire kids. Now here’s some literature with which I’d like you all to familiarise yourselves. You won’t find celebrities or aftershave in these papers. You won’t find ads. Disseminate the material at recess. Together we’ll get things done. Now, fists in the air.
Together Everyone Achieve More.
Dismissed.

Posted in Advertising, Analysis Post Comment