A JOB INTERVIEW: THE OFFICIAL GUIDE

In these times of mass unemployment, I have taken steps to remedy the plight of the jobless by devising an important guide to assist in preparations for an interview. This will provide readers with a critical edge in a highly competitive marketplace. Print it out, stick it on your wall, take it with you everywhere; this is your ticket to employment and success!
 
Preparing for the interview
Ok, let’s begin. There are a number of things you can do once the interview has been arranged, don’t simply sit back and do nothing! Send a series of follow-up emails saying how much you’re looking forward to the interview; at least 3 emails, as many as 6, they will be impressed by your enthusiasm. Set aside an afternoon to spend outside the building to familiarise yourself with the environment. Take pictures of employees as they leave the premises so you know what they look like. Follow them to lunch, observe what they order, take notes.. this way, when you start work you will have inside knowledge about your colleagues and exude natural insight. Once you’ve taken enough photos of the building and its employees, be sure leave enough time to print them and create an album of your findings, this can be offered as a gift at the interview.
 
The Interview
Upon meeting your interviewer, hand them the gift and ensure you express gratitude by constantly thanking them for this special opportunity and shaking their hand. ‘Thank you sir, I really appreciate this opportunity. Thank you (bow head, shake hand). Thank you. I won’t let you down, thank you.’ If you’re a designer, make sure you bring in pieces of the studio’s artwork for them to autograph. Sit as close to the interviewer as possible to show that you are comfortable with other people. If they try to move away, move closer.

Don’t be afraid to be tactile and show initiative… help them turn the pages of your folio by casually touching their hand, ‘Here, I turn the pages like this’, offering an ominous look into their eyes. By doing this, you’re reassuring the interviewer that you’re keen. Don’t take your eyes off the interviewer the entire time, this is crucial: when they’re looking at your work, when they’re on the phone, when they’re talking to colleagues, hold your intense gaze, you need to assure them you’re paying attention. They may seem unsettled by this, that’s a good sign, it means you have a strong presence. When you are asked a question, wait a few minutes before answering. Hold your gaze, look hungry, driven and inspired. Say, ‘Oh sorry, it’s just that you have such beautiful eyes’. Sometimes whisper the answer to engage them and draw them in. ‘I’m sorry, what did you say’. ‘Whisper’. Smile as you whisper, then twitch back into a serious expression, this shows versatlity and an ability to adapt to different situations. Compliment not just their work, but their personal attributes as well. ‘Oh, you have a really beautiful smile’. Or, ‘You looked really cute when you said that, can you say it again for me? Oh, You have something on your cheek, here, hold still’. They may be alarmed and shrink away from your reaching hand, that’s ok, reassure them… ‘It’s ok, relax, I won’t hurt you. I just want to touch your face’. If they attempt humour, don’t be insensitive and forget to laugh, make sure you laugh out loud. As loud as you can, so much that your face grimaces, flattery pays! Even when they try to talk again, they’re just being modest, keep laughing, stamp your hand on the table and start clapping, they’ll love your vitality. Ask if they’re single, if they are, tell them to keep their spirits up, it’ll come. Ask if you can spend time in the studio next week, simply to observe the workers in action. Even if they say no at first, show up anyway. Help them with the dishes, watch them work, take notes.

The Offer
Sometimes an employer will test an applicant by rejecting them and not offering a position. This is a cruel test and many applicants simply accept the answer and move on. Big mistake! They’re just testing to see if you really want the job. Show up to work on Monday, regardless. Sit down at any spare desk and start working, they’ll be inspired by your commitment and ability to read between the lines. As another test, they may ask you to leave. In response, put your headphones on and act as though you can’t hear. Even if you don’t have headphones, put your hands over your ears as though they are headphones, and bob around as though you’re listening to a really great song. They will love your ability to improvise. Take a phone call. Go to the toilet. Do anything to distract them. They may try to physically remove you, again, it’s just to test your conviction. Take a swipe at them with your mouth, like an authorative dog. Show your teeth and snarl before hunching over your desk, this shows an ability to stay strong in a challenging situation.
 
Then, viola! You’re employed!
Please feel free to ask any questions. If you want to work for me here at LO-FI, get in touch.
And guys, good luck!
xxxx

Posted in Analysis Post Comment

2 WEEKS IN THE US

ID
A favourite pastime of bar staff in the US is asking for ID, regardless of how old and haggard a patron may be. One time I didn’t have it on me, so I said ‘You want my ID, ok, here’s my ID’, smiled and pointed to my face. ‘Now, tell me if you honestly think a 20 year old could generate this many wrinkles. I spent the first 25 years of my life in the sun. I’m fucked’. My girlfriend gave a consoling pat on the back. ‘Now hand me that Sam Adams.’ ‘Ok sir, I’ll give you a drink, just promise you wont smile for the rest of the night’. She then turned to my girlfriend, ‘Mam, I know the USA worships freedom like it’s a burger and fries, but you’ve taken the concept of freedom too far, this man is twice your age.’
‘It’s with good reason mam, this man works in an industry I too wish to work in. It’s like buying shares in Wal-Mart, it’s not right, but it secures my future. I have my tits in the till’.
‘You said that was only a rumour, I thought you loved me’.
I do, just not in that way’.
‘Oh’. Another comforting pat on the back.
 
Harlem
My fetish for black culture meant I insisted on spending an afternoon in Harlem. We went to the Lennox Bar, which Lonely Planet strongly recommended, with words such as, ‘classic, lounge, jazz, big names, favorite, beautiful, historic’. I think those words were code for, ‘seedy, shit, ghetto, surly-black-folk, hunched-at-bar, unwilling-to-serve, speak or acknowledge, awkward white middle class tourists.’

We waited to be acknowledged, before breaking the silence with, ‘Um, may I please have a beer’, holding bills aloft to confirm our commitment. Nothing. Ok, the polite white guy bit isn’t working, time to change tact. I casually leant over and whispered in a smooth, confident voice, with self-assured grin, ‘C’mon man, I know the score, I’m from Brixton, now how bout that beer’. Finally, we evoked response, albeit a bemused, Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction styled one, ‘Firstly, what is the score. And secondly, what the fuck is Brixton?!’
‘Ah’, Smug grin, ‘it’s a predominantly black neighbourhood in South London. We recently hosted a night of the London riots and the biggest UK riots of all time in the 80’s, the Brixton riots. Plus it hasn’t been taken over by hipsters, graphic designers or people who work in marketing. It’s real man, and I live there. I’m street. That’s the score. Bottle of Sam Adams thanks’.
Get out.
C’mon man. See that, (pointing at girlfriend hunched in corner looking afraid) she just graduated from Uni. Not only does she have no money and no job, she also has a 90 grand debt. She’s poor, real poor.
What’s your point?
She’s poor, like you, you’re poor right?
Get the fuck out.
Ok, you want ghetto? My brother battles addiction and has 2 kids, a body full of tatts and lives in a crap house, he’s legitimate ghetto. He’s what the hipsters try to be like. He has a beard because he can’t afford a razor, and it’s so big he now doesn’t know how to get rid of it. His jeans are tight because he set the temperature too high when washing them and now can’t get them off, so he just wears them all the time. Once he slept in a city park. And he’s my best friend. He’s street, I’m street, now give me a fucking beer you classist black fuck!*
That was our cue to exit.
*Story embellished for effect. And I say ‘black fuck’ sarcastically, I may be Australian, but I’m not racist, quite the opposite. I need diversity.

Worst introduction of the trip:
Hi mate, nice to meet you.
Nudge, that’s a chick. Oh Shit. Yeah, we call everyone mate in Australia/UK; woman, men, animals, kids, grandparents. The way you guys say like before every word, we say mate, mate. Bullshit cough.
 
Most disappointing news:
A sign on a Chicago train said ‘No gambling allowed on this vehicle’. I looked up at the sign, ‘Damn! Where’s the luck!’. I then packed the cards and roulette table back into my bag. ‘Sorry guys, we can’t gamble as planned on this train, better try a bus’.
 
Biggest contradiction.
Reading a billboard advertising the 12 commandments while on the road, then immediately after seeing a giant sex shop called the Lion’s Den. Not just one, several while driving down the highway. What sort of person is so into sex that their needs can only be satisfied by a giant sex store?
 
All American Hero Award:

I stuck a Communist sticker on the bumper.
 
The second piece of disappointing news



‘This just isn’t my trip is it’, as they confiscate my backpack full of chainsaws before boarding a plane.

 
Other interesting insights
American woman say like, like… a lot.
All the men aged 35plus in DC look exactly the same.

Posted in Anecdote, Travel Post Comment