My Speech to Apple Conference

Firstly, watch this ad.


YouTube Direkt

‘Not fond of rules and no respect for status quo’. These were the words of Apple in 1997, does anyone see the irony here? I know it was never aired, but many ads like it are. Is it just me that thinks there’s something not quite right about a plastic brand, Apple, aligning its artificially constructed ideals with those of genuine icons? Cashing-in and riding the wave of people who actually stood for something beyond share price and market share? If I ever go on to be like Gandhi, and at this stage it’s looking more and more likely that I will be the next Gandhi, (Gandhi, Martin Luther King, either way, Mum assures me I’ll be special), please don’t let a shiny brand take the things I strived for and can cash-in on them to give their own plastic concoction a face-lift to sell more products. If Apple really did believe its own nicely written copy, it would be….

At this point I realised the crowd had stopped paying attention to my speech and were now chatting amongst themselves. Except for one guy, who said ‘Sit down and shut up you angry little cunt!’
Watch the language! You sit down!
Fuck you.
No, Fuck you!
At this point people started paying attention again.
Fuck you all. You’re all sheep. Go on; buy another gadget, Baaaaaa, Baaaaaa. Blind sheep. Obsess over a brand. Worship false idols. Baaaaaaa.
A chair was thrown on stage, followed by a ball of fire. The chair hit me in the stomach, which hurt dearly, causing me to momentarily fall to the ground, my face grimacing in pain. Everyone laughed.
Ah fuck it. Time to step it up a notch.
I pulled out my iPad, and presented it to the crowd, Steve Jobs style (minus the pointy thing in my pants). I raised it high above my head, held it for a minute, before letting it drop to the floor, shattering it to pieces. The crowd gasped in horror, and were now panicking, ‘This guy’s crazy’, they said. I then pulled out a can of petrol, like a magician pulls out props from his bag of tricks, and doused it all over the iPad. I waited another minute, before lighting a match, this time in the style of a clown doing tricks, and flicked the flame onto the iPad. A lady let out a horror-movie-style scream. A man fainted. The mood was one of pure fear. The flames rose high. I then stripped naked, my Gap jeans, my H&M t-shirt, my CK boxers, they all came off. I pulled out a robe and walking stick from my bag, and put them on, signaling I had now rejected the artificial values of the 30-second TVC styled world we now live in. I stood behind the flames, which were now raging, laughing into them like a madman. ‘Fuck Apple and its fake values! Fuck consumerism! Fuck false idols! I am king. Burn Apple, 2-faced devil, buuuuuuurrrrrrnnn!’. By now the entire auditorium was filled with screams. Riot police entered from all corners. It was chaos.

I put on my cape and darted out of the building, moving like a fox. I hailed down a passing truck, which pulled over and asked, ‘Where to sir?’ ‘Take me to the hills please’. ‘Which hills?’ ‘The ones far, far away from here. Please sir, just drive. I need some time away from this plastic, consumer driven world. I want to live with the village people to discover life, yeah; the village people will show me real life values.’

After days of driving we finally rolled up to a Himalayas styled mountain shrouded in mist. ‘I didn’t know we had mountains like this in the UK, this will do fine sir.’ I offered him some coins. He said, ‘Keep your coins, I want change’. As I stepped out of the van, I saw masses of people marching, angrily chanting, and thought the worst. However, now they were no longer against me, they were supporting me. My words had finally resonated with them. They had seen the light. They now saw me as their leader, wow, mum was right after all, I am special. I looked back to the driver, ‘I think change has come sir’, we had a tearful embrace and he drove away, immediately disappearing into the mist. They were waving iPad’s, iPhones, marketing material, press releases, all fuel to start a fire. Apple had been tracking the movements of the dissidents with their iPhones, and, sensing the backlash, they came down hard. All of a sudden there was a sound of mass ‘pings’, the dissidents were receiving emails from Apple, with new offers and press releases. They lowered prices to include more consumers into the ‘information revolution’, not just middle/upper class types. They gave the consumer the power to choose if they wanted to sync or not to sync. The new iPad had a new built in thought thinker. They offered to release a new iPhone with actual updates on it. They paid sweatshop workers more than the minimum market rate, they promised to be more environmentally friendly. They allowed people to criticize them. The people scorned it. The empire had fallen. I raised my fist, holding a green apple in the sky, and crushed it.

Then I woke up. The alarm from my iPhone was ringing. I checked it for emails, Apple was sending me updates. I turned on my iPad for the daily news, and saw another round of tributes to the man who changed the world, I re-read it, The. Man. Who. Changed. The. World. There were also a few articles with a sneak peak at the new iPhone, which was basically the same, but had a higher resolution camera with a higher price tag. I checked Facebook; my best friend had changed his profile pic to Steve jobs, and did another Apple status update, with links to Apple ads. As did another friend. And another. And another. I walked passed another mural for Apple. Past another Apple billboard. Something about all this didn’t seem right. Deep down, I doubted the importance of all this, the significance, like in primary school when I was told to pray to God and sing, and honour Jesus’ death. I wondered why? But I never asked. I felt guilty. So I would pray anyway. Pray. Pray. Just pray.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit
Apple.

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