Apples are unhealthy

Last week I was with a person who insisted on using her iphone to search for a location rather than referring to the large full colour map 5 metres away. ‘But there’s a map just there’. ‘Shut-up! It’s loading now, it will only take a few minutes.’

I was always an Apple person, PC’s were big clunky pieces of shit (still are) while Apples made sense, they were functional and easy on the eye. They also represented the underdog, competition to the monopoly of Microsoft. But somewhere along the line they turned into a monster obsessed with style, image, fashion and wanky marketing. Plus they had an annoying master like Steve Jobs who developed an erection every time he unveiled a new bit of Apple porn to the hooting fan boys. They became a symbol of pretension, bureaucracy and taking themselves too seriously. Dictators who threatened to suppress anyone who would dare criticise or mock them, often with force. Despite this dictatorship/cult/religion, millions remained true to them, worshipped them, defended them, queued for hours and hours just to get their hands on them and endlessly marketed them on social networking sites. Those who weren’t caught up in the cult became sick of having their eyes poked out by Apple erections and propaganda. They would say it’s just a fucking phone with internet. It’s good, but it’s not that good. The media sensed a backlash brewing and swooped to start an anti-Apple revolution, glorifying the slightest technical flaw in the regime in an effort to liberate its people. But they were too late. The cult members were too far gone. The media backlash only strengthened their resolve. While the media meant well, all they achieved was making Apple out to be a selfless martyr, a victim of the haters. The cult members explained that no-one knew Steve like they did. We need him. We need this. They would test their iPhone4 and see the signal failure was mainly just a myth, raising their phones in the air in a salute to Steve before lowering them again to studiously tapping away at their latest app.

So that’s that. I am still an Apple man, despite all the malarkey I need to be, and, pretentious cult shit wank aside, they actually do make good things. Nevertheless, I Adrian Guerin, hereby solemnly swear, that I will never get caught up in the Apple cult. I understand that while my livlehood relies on the use of Apple products, I will always remember that it is just a wanky brand. I will never get sexually aroused by an Apple product. I will never market and promote apple propaganda in a positive way unless I am paid a large sum of money to do so. I will never queue for longer than 5 minutes to purchase a phone. I will never fall victim to the uber savvy marketing and shiny style of apple. I am an independent, freethinking human being. I am not an Apple obsessive.

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