Dealing with Noisy neighbours, The Official Guidelines

I’ve devised a series of useful tips to help readers combat the problem of noisy neighbours. Read it, stick it on your wall, email it to your friends, this is your ticket to serenity!

Number 1: Invite them over for dinner, and don’t let the conversation ever reach a natural pause or conclusion – just keep talking til all hours of the night. And don’t let them interject with the old ‘Ah, it’s getting late, we better go’ line. It won’t necessarily solve the problem of excessive noise, but it’s an entertaining form of sociopathy that will also be highly satisfying. I seem to go to a lot of dinners like this – we chatted, we ate, now lets all kindly separate. No, that’s when Joe Monologue feels it’s the right time to offer an extended reading of his memoirs. A Long, long reading. About nothing. A reading with so much pointless detail it’s physically painful to endure. I sit there, face grimacing, thinking ‘I get really tired after a big meal, and it’s 12:00, why can’t we just end this? Why cant you detect social cues?’. So if you don’t like someone, and want to punish them, invite them over for a long, painful dinner. I do it at pubs when I detect that the person I’m talking to wants to get away from me. I keep talking, without offering a natural pause in the conversation. I talk about the weather and stuff. ‘How about that weather, hey? Who would’ve thought. My names Adrian. I like to walk. And I like the colour red. My name is Adrian’. He squirms, thinking, ‘I gotta get out of this’. ‘My name is Adrian. Book. My name is… Etc etc etc.

Number 2: When they’re all standing out in the street yelling and being generally obtrusive, casually walk over to their yard and start dousing it with petrol, as though you’re watering the plants. When they look in horror, calmly say ‘Sorry, don’t mind me. I’m just dousing your house in petrol. If you don’t shut the fuck up, and if I have to come back, I’ll light this match. I spent most of the day working on your back yard, too, so it won’t take long for this place to burn’.

Number 3: If the neighbours are black, and you happen to be white a supremacist, white nationalist, member of the BNP, an Italian or a white South African, write a racist message on their house, as seen below. This is also relevant if their surname is Black. I have suffered this form of abuse in almost every house I’ve lived in ‘No Guerins!’.




Good luck with the noisy neighbours guys!!

(I’m now on the road, Bucharest to be exact. Travel posts to follow shortly)

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