This is an historic post, one that takes the mantle of being the longest ever to grace the coveted pages of Stuff & Shit. My editors and marketing team demanded I cut it down, warning that these epic, thesis-styled pieces of diatribe are isolating the core audience, those who like the short, sharp, anecdotal stuff that Stuff & Shit became famous for. Stuff that shit I said, and stuff Stuff & Shit. All staff have been sacked. The post is long. If you want the light-hearted posts about cats and dogs, I suggest you go back to the previous post about the cat who lives at the end of the street. This is the real stuff. The is the real Stuff & Shit. If I keep writing this intro it’s only going to keep getting longer. Begin!

I’ve recently started teaching ‘Introduction to Geopolitics and the Politics of Global Hegemony’, to 5 year olds at my local primary school. I’ll be uploading transcripts with notes of each class onto Stuff & Shit. I’ll also be adopting the use of the hashtag to provide a witty subtext to parts of the text. #trends

Understanding the term ‘Bigot’

Morning kids. A bigot is anyone who reads the Herald-Sun, The Sun, the New York Post, watches channels like Fox News or thinks Tony Abbot is ok. They are generally aghast at the idea of their tax dollars funding a disabled person, mental illness, infrastructure, health, education, social security etc etc. i.e, anything from which they won’t directly benefit, or anything they think goes toward the 0.7% (UK) of the population who claim benefits falsely  They litter social media with views on things like boat people, the undeserving poor, the communists and the scientific conspiracy of climate change. They are staunchly opposed to evidence and fact based opinion. #trolls #bogans #inbreeds



The Anomaly of a Bigot

When it comes to paying for invading other countries, the bigot miraculously changes his militant, anti-government stance, and unquestionably supports the redistribution of wealth. He’s yells, ‘Here, take my money, Please!, I want to donate to the invasion!’ So, when it comes to killing hundreds of thousands of woman and children in an Arab country #iraq so the bigot can support his idol #johnhoward, who can support his idol #thetexanredneck, on a resource grabbing invasion of choice #wmd #bullshitcough they are pro government spending. When it turns out to all be based on a gargantuan lie, they’re happy to forgive John Howard for this minor glitch, at least he was tough on the boat people, many of whom were escaping countries he helped invade #irellevant So, public spending is bad, if it’s on wasteful things such as health and social security, but the Australian public spending over $3 billion on mass murder, well.. that’s obviously good. Remember, it’s not mass murder, it’s ‘casualties of war’. If half a million white people die, it’s a tragedy beyond comprehension. If half a million coloured civilians die, we say ‘What? I thought it was only a few thousand. Oh we’ll, it was for their own good, they’re safer now. They’re a democracy’ #ihatefacts If a noble hero in military gear enters an Iraqi civilian house, and terrorises everyone in it, then pops a cap in the back of someone trying to flee, it’s just a casualty of war. If the current rate of birth defects for the city of Fallujah has surpassed those of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, because the noble heroes released Phosphate on the dangerous civillians, it’s ok. (#classified) For the most part, we don’t hear about these stories, because we’re not supposed to. We only hear about the deaths of our own kind. And then watch a movie about it. And a documentary. And a front page news story. Over and over and over. What about our victims? What victims! Coloured people don’t count. Stupid.

Understanding the Need for Villains and Heroes

Ok kids, I now want to talk about the need for narratives. It’s important to understand that in the story of global politics, as told by the worlds media/politicians, there must always be a hero, and, as every comic book will attest, a villain. In todays world, one of the key villains in the fairy tale is Iran. Iran is the threat to world peace. Because it is enriching uranium, which the west and Israel #heroes #brave believe is a pathway to nuclear power #ihateevidence Remember, uranium is used for medical purposes too. But when this is mentioned, the west puts their hands over their ears and pretends they’re listening to music, so they can’t hear. So the heroes tell the villains they can’t enrich uranium, or they will bomb them. They’ll bomb them in the name of world peace #orwell So, the moral of the story is that nuclear weapons are considered bad. Everyone would agree with that.

Any questions kids? Xanadu, yes you.

But hold on, it says here that the US has the worlds largest stockpile of nuclear warheads. It has conducted thousands of nuclear tests. It stores its weapons all over the world. And, unlike any other country, it’s actually used them before. #tosavelives And Israel is the only country in the world which refuses to declare how many weapons it actually has in its nuclear stockpile #alot. And, it’s not a signatory of the Non-Proliferation Treaty, while Iran is a signatory. Is this true? I’m confused.

Ah, such a cute kid. You’ll get the hang of it. Here, let me explain. Nuclear weapons are bad, except, if you are the US/West or Israel. Then it is ok. The sky is the limit, literally (as long as it’s an Obama Drone in the sky #nobelpeaceprize). Nuclear tests. Storing them in strategic locations across the world. Investing trillions of dollars of tax payers’ money in their development, sure, go ahead, it’s good. It’s ok. Can you imagine if Iran did any of that? #no

‘Who’s the Villian then?’

Good question. Lets look at the state of Israel.

‘Wait, Did you say lets look at the Jews? That’s anti- Semitic!’

Pipe down September #kidswithwankynames, I said let’s look at the state of Israel. But you raise an important point. Some Israeli and Western politicians try to play the anti-Semitic card if you try and criticise their aggression. They are essentially politicising the holocaust. Classy. Let’s look at the facts. Israel is heavily armed with nukes. #veryhevily They refuse international inspections #hypocrites They are not a signatory of the NPA #hypocrites They kill neighboring civilians with such frequency it isn’t even news #palestiniansdontcount They are salivating at the mouth to strike Iran, they don’t even pretend otherwise #forpeace They received $3 billion in military aid last financial year. #yes #3billion Paid for by the American taxpayer – remember what I said about a bigots view on government spending? Military spending? It’s…..?


Healthcare, education, infrastructure?


Bigots are happy to sponsor Israeli weapons of mass destruction. They’re not happy to sponsor gun reform. They’re not happy to sponsor social security, unless of course…?

They directly benefit from it.

They love weapons. They get aroused by war, because it shows power. What does power do?

It corrupts.

Excellent. Again, think about the ‘threat’.

Iran, Good or Bad?

Now, I think we’re all beginning to understand who the real villains are. But that doesn’t mean Iran is a model tenant. The state is misogynist. It beheads people, and punishes its poor for using drugs, by killing them #texas They have a warped interpretation of Religion. They are a flawed state. We know they’re flawed. The question, however, is not ’Do we like them?’. The question is, ‘Are they a threat to world peace?’ Can unlikeable traits be linked with intent to detonate a nuclear bomb? If you think they’re a threat that justifies a military strike, and subsequent war, please supply the evidence for this. Not speculation based on our distaste of a regime, but evidence. Who is the threat?

The Evidence

Who recently slaughtered >500,000 innocent civilians, Iran or the west?
The west.
Who is occupying foreign lands with gigantic #gigantic military’s, Iran or the west?
The west.
Who has weapons of mass destruction? Iran or the West?
The west.
Right, so who is the threat?
The west.
And who agrees with this?
The west.

The Power of Public Relations and False Contrition

If a radical Islamist blows up a building, car or street, he gleefully takes responsibility and spouts a bunch of psychotic diatribe #radicalislam to celebrate. The Radical Islamist PR machine is really, really bad. Conversely, when the other terrorists, you know, the ones in suits #politicians blow up a building, a car or a house, #iraq #afghanistan #pakistan #yemen #whocares their highly advanced PR machine goes into overdrive #lies First, they repress it from the media. Then, they deny it. Which is quite easy because no-one is reporting it #towelheadsdontcount Then, when the evidence leaks out of their grasp, and it becomes clear to everyone what they’ve done, they ‘investigate’ #stonewalling. Then, after they’ve ‘investigated’ they pretend they are sorry, and show contrition. Then, it’s ok. They’re the good guys fighting the good fight, kids will die. Hundreds of them. Even thousands, we don’t even know (or care). ‘Sorry alright, geez, get off our backs. We said sorry. It was just a coloured kid wasn’t it, no blonde hair, right?’. As the father looks at the charred remains of his family, he is consoled by the apology ‘No worries, I understand’. He nudges the guy next to him, ‘It was only a mistake, thank Allah for that. Phew. I thought it was done with malice. Silly me!’ ‘Hear that Aasera’, he says to his child, ‘it was only a mistake, say Shukran NATO’ holding his dead child’s arm up, waving it to the NATO General. The arm falls off. The General helps him reattach it in a heart warming moment. He even pays for the glue. Thanks NATO. The General feels all sentimental about the great work they’re doing with the coloured people. Thanks NATO xxx.

What was that ancient proverb about learning from our mistakes? We should learn from them, or something. NATO is s bit slow then, coz they keep repeating the same mistake, by bombing civilians. Over and over and over. It’s Boston every month (or week, who cares) when the NATO bombers are around. #ssssshhh #unpatriotic #muslimsympathiser

The Threat

Who’s the threat again? If the threat is based purely on the number of innocents dieing from explosions, well it’s no question. Read about Obamas drone program. NATOs stray bombs. The actual number of civillian deaths in Iraq. Who is actually using chemical weapons. Who is being occupied. Go beyond the Bigot Bibles. The Heroes are the threat. Not really a threat, more like in a state of emergency #waronterror But if the threat is based on lies, half truths and rhetoric (Sadam and WMD, anyone?) the threat is obviously Iran. Obviously. Saddam was an existential threat. But then it turned out he wasn’t. Whoops. Sorry. What was that proverb about mistakes again?

Who cares.


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