Australians tend to think they’re funny, but in reality, they are not. As I write this I hear an Australian dickhead say, ‘Yeah, speak for yourself mate!’ before bursting into hysterical laughter, ‘HA HA HA HA HA!’. ‘Ya big dickhead! HA HA HA HA HA!’.
‘That was good Wazza’.
‘Thanks Shaz. By the way, show us ya tits love. HA HA HA HA HA!’
Shaz diligently complies, and wiggles her little tities.
‘HA HA HA HA HA! Fuck I love Australia. Fuck all cunts, it’s the best fuckin country in the world….. CUNT! HA HA HA HA!’
Meanwhile, the rest of the world looks on with horror.
‘What is wrong with these people?’.
‘You don’t like it?! Well fuck off ya fuckin towel head! HA HA HA!’
And so on.

I first realised how comedically challenged Australians were when I left the country, and started working in English ad agencies. These guys were pros. They would riff all day with witty, subtly crafted humour so dry sometimes it was serious. It made me very anxious. Here I was all these years thinking I was funny, and that the world thought we were a funny nation, only to see us for what we really were. Eventually I’d have to sit back, put my hands in the air and say, ‘Guys, I’m just not up to it. Where I’m from, Aussie ‘larrikin’ humour is funny. We just yell stuff out and laugh. I didn’t know humour needed craft, timing and wit. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry’.
‘It’s ok, we know. We didn’t expect anything from you. You’re Australian. Just sit there and take notes’.

For the perfect snapshot into the differences between English and Australian humour, one only has to look at the TV. In Australia, there’s a show called The Project. In Australia, it’s ‘funny’. So I excitedly tuned in and was greeted by really really really blonde woman (no offence to blondes, but this was a new Pantone) who were really really tanned. They had very white teeth. They were covered in so much makeup that I didn’t actually know what they looked like. And there was also a man who looked like an anxious mannequin smiling in pain. Why am I critiquing peoples looks like a Daily Mail journalist? Because it reflected the quality of laughs. Then there’s Exhibit B in England, Have I Got News for You. Firstly, looks are not considered relevant. In fact, you’ll probably gain more credibility if your face looks like an arse. The people are very unattractive, pasty and filled with angst. Their teeth are yellow and broken. Who cares. The humour is crafted, unscripted, witty and funny. Priorities

Now, I understand that what I’m doing – critiquing a facet of Australian culture – is in some quartes a felony. If you’re not blindly subscribing to the militant patriotism of the flag-waving, slut-loving, bogan nationalists, you’re liable to be told, ‘Well fuck back off to pommy land ya snobby little cunt, you’ve changed mate. It’s cunts like you that fuck this nation the fuck fuck shit cunt tits’.
‘Um, What?’.
‘Don’t get smart with me you know-all little cunt or I’ll fucking smash this VB bottle on the fuck fuck abbo abbot titties’.
‘Ok, Your parents are siblings. Got it’.
So I’ll balance it out by saying it’s not all Australians that are comedicly challenged. Or lack subtlety. Many are funny. And I do like Australia very much. I’m certainly grateful I fluked being born here, instead of being born in one of the countries we invade.
‘Watch it you ungrateful little cunt! Go war!!’
It’s just the fuck fuck titty bang bang, gullible, herd-like, inbred bogans who think they are clever, witty and funny, when in reality, they are not.
‘Speak for yourself, cunt! HA HA HA HA!’ And so on.

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