News in brief from Oman

Mutrah: 
A white couple was pleasantly surprised yesterday after entering a Chinese restaurant in search of asian cuisine and instead discovering a secret, illegal little bar. Heinekens were 6 times below the black-market rate at only £1 each, and an unknown 8% beer was only 80p. The couple said Omani bar culture is very different to that in the west, ‘Yeah, it was dead silent, dark, and most of the guys were alone. There were no female toilets. But the staff were very helpful, they guarded the toilet as I did my business. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just sat at the table getting pissed. When he went to the toilet, all the men followed after him. It was an hour before they all came out. My boyfriend was all weird after that, he was wearing different clothes too. He said we needed to leave immediately’.
For a fun night out in Mutrah, visit Shangri La. 

Cricket: 

L1012043A very important stage of a local match suffered a frustrating delay yesterday as a Muslim unexpectedly walked across the pitch… very, very slowly. A ‘young’ Australian ‘photographer’ was the only player to benefit from the unexpected turn of events, later revealing ‘I’ve been wanting to get a photo of a female Muslim all trip, but it’s a strict no-no. This was different – ‘Well, you walked into our game, so you’re fair-game, love. Next time, walk around’. The Muslims husband received word of the photo and the Australian is now in hiding, last seen at the Shangri La Bar.

Gas:
Airport officials are investigating accusations of fart valves at airports. The investigation was prompted after a very small white couple delayed a plane after an animated argument at the boarding gate. Witnesses told of bitter dispute relating to the source of a toxic gas that had infiltrated the airport. ‘Yeah, it was quite animated, hostile even. His faced scrunched up and he said, ‘Do you smell that?’ She said, ‘What, am I short of smell?! Of course I smell that. It’s vile. You need to go to the doctor’. He said ‘No, you need to go to the doctor. It wasn’t me’. She said, ‘ It wasn’t me’. ‘He then began accusing everyone in the area, violently shaking their bodies before decrying, ‘Well, everyone is either lying, or there are valves in this airport releasing fart smells, becuase this place stinks!’. The investigation continues.

Extreme Weather:
In more airport news, authorities are considering the radical plan of introducing weather boards at all terminals in an effort to ensure the public are able to take the necessary precautions to combat the violent temperature fluctuations between terminals. The move comes after 6 people died from extreme cold in terminal 1 yesterday, due to the ridiculous temperatures of air conditioners. In scenes reminiscent of a Soviet winter, masses of people were seen huddled together in winter coats, pleading for mercy. Meanwhile in terminal 2, extreme heat meant that there was a 2 hour queue at the drinking fountain. A belligerent Australian was heard saying ‘this is ridiculous!’

Wi-Fi Thief:
There have been multiple reports of a wifi thief operating in Muscat cafes. Witness report sightings of a short, belligerent white man suspiciously lurking outside cafes, wearing nothing but a pair of cowboy boots and anxiously holding an iPad. His actions are reportedly in order to feed his addiction to news and current affairs by downloading his latest newspaper and magazine subscriptions to the iPad. His suspected accomplice reportedly stands 5 metres away keeping a lookout, against her will, as the wifi thief anxiously awaits his progress bar to complete the download of the days news and views.

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