Smokers

Smokers, surely they’re the most vile cretins planet earth has spawned – dirty, gollum-esque creatures. Far dirtier than the rat. Thankfully, in the west, we’re protected from them. Social customs prevent them from sparking up, in much the same way social customs prevent most people from letting off toxic farts, spitting phlegm everywhere, and leaving home without having first brushed their teeth. All these acts are rancid, so quite rightly, are shunned. Not so outside the west. Everyone smokes. Everywhere. The pub, the dinner table, the common room, even the squat toilets. During a bus break, they all disembark as fast as they can, just so they can spark up, creating a tobacco fuelled cloud. At each stop, I stand just clear of the haze, staring at them in disgust. My face is scrunched into an evil, deranged stare, muttering obscenities, much like Mutely would mutter about Dick Dastardly in Wacky Races, fuc… smok….cunt….shit….kil….stink…. Then, occasionally I actually yell something, ‘Pathetic! Addicts, look at you all huddled together, puffing away, why don’t you do something with your lives. You stink, literally and figuratively!!’, pacing up and down, in much the same way a coach berates his team at halftime. They don’t know what I’m saying, most of the time they giggle as though I’m a maniac. Yesterday, I went a step further and got physical by ripping the cigarettes out of their mouths. One by one, I ripped them out and stomped on them, occasionally shaking the smokers in the process. They didn’t like it. ‘Ooooh, you need your precious smoke do you, well here, get it!’ That’s when I grabbed their face and shoved it into the dirt where the cigarette was. ‘Smoke it, motherfucker, go on!’

The prosecution’s main case was that I enjoyed what I was doing, quashing my argument that I acted in line with my conscience. ‘He took a sadistic delight in humiliating the smokers, before setting them alight with their own matches, and using the fire to mockingly light his own cigarette amidst a fit of hysterical laughter’. The case continues.

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