Stuff & Shit has returned…

..with a post about cock & balls.

Alas, my time away has not been used to class-up the blog. I am who I am, please don’t try and change me.

I’ve recently returned to Melbourne after an extended period away. One of the first tasks was to visit my Dad in hospital, and introduce him to Adrienne.

It was all going smoothly as introductions were made and seats were taken. Then Dad attempted to rise so that he was seated on his bed. His movements caused a bit of a Sharon Stone moment in Basic Instinct. The left leg rose and it was ‘Hello Boys’, as we discovered he was electing to go freestyle under the hospital gown. The difference between this moment and the one in Basic Instinct, was that this one lasted an eternity. I looked at my girlfriend and she was very anxious, her eyes darting from side to side, desperately searching for a place to occupy her glance while my Dad’s cock and balls dangled like decorations on a Christmas tree. Rather than attempt to ease the situation, I just sat there and smirked, ‘this is great’. (To clarify, it wasn’t the sight before me that was great, rather the awkwardness it created. I love awkwardness when it’s not me and will do all I can to exacerbate it).

I did eventually alert dad to the situation, ‘Dad, your cock and balls are showing, how about putting them back in the cage mate, this is a family show’. The cocktail of drugs under which he lived, meant there was a 5 second delay in response time. Any five second period where you have another mans weary penis taking an unsolicited sideways glance at you, is a very long 5 seconds indeed. So to paint the picture, the one eyed snake is looking at Adrienne, the 2 eyed patient (Dad) is looking at… well, no-one. He’s staring blankly into space. I took another look at Adrienne to see what the one eyed snake found so interesting, and discovered she had turned a much brighter shade of red, and a look of sheer panic had engulfed her face.

I then mused, ‘She is meeting my Dad for the first time and he’s already showed his penis. Her dad waited 3 days before he attempted to show his’. It happened in the basement, everyone was upstairs, and he said, ‘Hey new guy, say hello to my little friend’. That was it. I retorted, ‘You’re a sick man Mr B, get some help mate’, and returned upstairs to join the festivities. I never told anyone, until now. Predictably, there was a cover up. It’s a shame you didn’t cover it up in the basement, mate.

Back to my Dad’s penis. Eventually Dad snapped out of it and realised what was happening before making the appropriate adjustments. As fun as it had all been, I was happy with his decision to close the curtains on the show and refrain from any encores. I then turned to Adrienne and said, ‘Now that you’ve seen my Dad’s cock and balls, it’s only natural that I should see your Dad’s, again’. Adrienne promptly phoned her father with this most peculiar of requests, and preliminary arrangements were made. The finer points were still to be ironed out, (Skype viewing or in person? How many people? Private show or family show?) but the first building blocks toward this momentous occasion were put in place.

After that I said, ‘Ok, shows over’, said my goodbyes and went home.

The End.

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