Tales From Thailand

On my first full day in Bangkok, I stupidly I left for my daily trek without the name of my guesthouse or its location, but it didn’t matter because I knew it was next to a major landmark in the Bangkok International Hospital. So on my way home I asked the driver, who spoke little English, to take me there.
Driver: You American?
Me: No, why?
It American hospital, why you go there?
No, I don’t want to go to the hospital, but my guesthouse is next to it, I go next to hospital.
It only for Americans.
But I don’t need to actually enter the hospital, my guesthouse is next to it, I need to go there, to guesthouse. I don’t know the name.
But you no American?
No, guesthouse is next to hospital.
Hospital only American.

That’s when I pulled out my gun, shuffled it into shooting mode and pointed it in his face, Jack Bauer style.

The American Hospital. Take me there. NOW!

Stare at this scene long enough and a dangerously skinny leg will pop out. AAAAAH!

There were many sick-offs on the various ferries across Thailand. I kicked things off en route to Ko Tao by lunging at the nearest bin on deck and liquid screaming into it. What did I scream? Last nights SINGHA! CHIANG! TIGER! ASAHI! NOODLES! Later a girl also tried yelling at the bin, but didn’t make it and ended up screaming at the floor instead. The winner? A Chinese girl yelled at her crotch, while seated… inside the ferry. Then her Dad yelled at her. Not liquid yelling, actual yelling, in Chinese. It was quite a scene.

I became deranged, disconnected and dangerous, lurking from beach to beach armed with nothing but my book, crutches, painkillers and shame. People would stop and ask what happened and I would hiss at them… ‘Cmon, can’t you see we’re closed!’ before aggressively hurling my crutches at them. Then the predicament of my plight would dawn on me and I would collapse to the floor in tears.

Posted in Travel Post Comment

Post Comment