The life of a young Catholic boy

The legacy of my 12 years of Catholic schooling, 6 of which were in a single sex College, was not a loose faith in God, Religion, or any sort of religious moral code. No, it was the creation of a 17 year old manboy completely void of any of the skills necessary to interact with the opposite sex. I lost my virginity at a very uncool age. Six years spending every single day with no-one but boys and men, will rob any kid of his ability to interact with woman. It will, however, give the Brothers a much greater selection of young doodles with which to fiddle. God bless the Roman Catholic Church.

It took me most of my 20s to pick up the pieces of my social awkwardness with woman. It was in my late teens I realised something was desperately wrong. I’d go to speak to girl at a party, and all that would come out was an abstract sound somewhere between a bear groaning and a fly buzzing. I’d then scuttle away, cursing myself in the process. So I stopped trying. Then I realised I was getting a bad back due to the weight of carrying around my gigantic, unused testicals. I needed to have sex. Immediately. That was about the same time I discovered the effects of alcohol and substance abuse. So I started getting very drunk on weekends, to loosen up a bit, so I stood a chance of occasionally having sex. My assent to suburban white trash was complete.

Then in my mid to late twenties I became a stud, or as I preferred to be called, a Stallion. I’d introduce myself to people as the Stallion. Not a stallion, the Stallion. There’s only one. The high point was a sixsome with 5 models. The downside was they were male models. Oh well, gotta take what you can get when times are tough. This was about the same time I became a bullshit artist. I don’t mean I became a Graphic Designer, I mean I began talking crap. I’d make up stories for my own amusement. Not for the amusement of others, for my amusement; there’s a difference. I still haven’t managed to shake that one yet. As you may have noticed, I’ve expanded into writing made-up stories too. So yeah, I had sex with a lot of woman. And I mean a lot. Or not. Probably not. To shag woman you generally have to talk to them first. I never really did that. And I’ve yet to accomplish the feat of shagging someone without having ever spoken to them. The straight to business move. I used to try it, e.g. in the office kitchen I’d wait til a woman walked past, then knock on the table to catch their attention, then give them a Fonzerelli-sytled thumbs up, with a really serious face. Zilch. Or on the train, I’d rub myself against woman on crowded carriages, looking ominously at them. But it never worked. I had to do time for that last one, thanks Jesus.

Mum, Dad: don’t worry, I harbour no animosity toward your decision to have me endure 12 years of Catholic schooling. Bullshit cough. I’ve been working on a joke, wanna hear it? Ok, how to you create an Atheist? Send them to a Catholic school. That’s comedic gold Adrian. Thanks mate.

The End

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