The Self Potrait

A recent Facebook study by Stuff & Shit revealed that 64% of Adrian Guerin’s modest total of 172 friends are victims of serial self-portraiting. Stuff & Shit is pro-trend, so I have decided to contribute with my very own self-portrait. I couldn’t quite get the lighting or mood right, but I’m happy with the smile. I have added a few clever Photoshop functions like the paint brush filter, which adds a greater sense of automated individuality to the shot. I feel that this is an accurate depiction of the modern man I seek to become in 2011, and am hoping this can be recognised with a few compliments by Facebook friends and actual friends…

On a positive note, this pic suggests I may have vanity under control by showing I am comfortable depicting myself as a deranged fuckwit who may also be weird. Entering the dark side of 30 allows you to begin to release that grip you had on your skin, and begin to accept the inevitability of your own physical decline. Like accepting your lack of height being compounded by the inevitability of eventually shrinking to literally nothing. And going bald, thus literally becoming the physical spirit of George Costanza. And accepting the athletic frame that contours your body will in time begin to resemble an old piece of fruit shrivelling in the sun. This becomes clear whenever I see my dad with his top off, showcasing his disheveled, gaunt, frail, decaying, haggard and deprived old body, causing me to reach for the nearest bucket and fill it with vomit… “No Dad!” *vomit* “I will not look like you!” *vomit*
“Whatever Adrian. I looked ok when I was young. I was healthy. Now look at me”… shines light on face… “I’m hideous!”… smiling with his shrivelled old face and fake gold teeth.
“No!” lunging for vomit bucket again. “You bastard! Put it away, put it away now!”
“Look at me Adrian! How could anyone love this?! I AM YOU!!”
“Fuck you. No!” Tears, vomit.

Back to Facebook self portraits. Stuff & Shit is pro Facebook, but anti the vicious cycle it can create for those prone to self-obsession and those who spend as much time constructing an image of themselves on Facebook as they do constructing an actual real life image. Stuff & Shit advocates Facebook regulation and guidelines for usage. One self-portrait is ok, who doesn’t like getting a plethora of complements about how divine you look as you introduce the confident new you for 2011. New hairstyle, new glasses, new you! Share the love. It is a good thing.

Two self-portraits, while acceptable, is questionable. Eyebrows will begin to be raised regarding your state of mind. While friends will continue to overwhelm you with superlatives on how great you’ve managed to make yourself look in that one shot, secretly they will question your motives for doing another solo photo shoot and begin to question your state of mind. “Again? We gave you complements, kisses and love, now you want more? What is wrong with you, have you gone mad?” But this won’t be evident in the comments.. ‘Oh hon, you’ve done it again! x Loving it!! xx You look fab, well done! You have finally made it!! xxoo” The praise will be accepted humbly, “Thanks hon! x That shot was an accident too! xx I was just messing around with an app before bed! He he he xxxx!” “You go to bed with a bucket full of makeup on your face? He he he xxx”. (That’s harsh, I retract that. Sorry everyone. Make-up is good. Stuff & Shit is pro makeup)

Three self-portraits in a short space of time is beyond the threshold. Friends are advised to report the user to Facebook for vanity crimes so they can be taken away to a clinic in the mountains to begin the process of rehabilitation.

Editors Note
It is the opinion of Stuff & Shit that if you overload everyone with the concept of you, you will ruin the concept of you. Give a girl flowers and she will appreciate them and most likely remember them. Do it again 3 days later, while still appreciative, she may point out that the original flowers still aren’t dead, and she is now pushed for space in her room, but she’ll still appreciate them. Do it over and over, repeatedly, incessantly, obsessively, and she will call the police and you will be locked up.

If you need any other guidelines for how to act according to the Stuff & Shit Manifesto, please feel free to get in touch.
Thanks everyone xxx You look great btw! xxo I really mean that!! xx Oh! x

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