My Speech to Apple Conference

Firstly, watch this ad.


YouTube Direkt

‘Not fond of rules and no respect for status quo’. These were the words of Apple in 1997, does anyone see the irony here? I know it was never aired, but many ads like it are. Is it just me that thinks there’s something not quite right about a plastic brand, Apple, aligning its artificially constructed ideals with those of genuine icons? Cashing-in and riding the wave of people who actually stood for something beyond share price and market share? If I ever go on to be like Gandhi, and at this stage it’s looking more and more likely that I will be the next Gandhi, (Gandhi, Martin Luther King, either way, Mum assures me I’ll be special), please don’t let a shiny brand take the things I strived for and can cash-in on them to give their own plastic concoction a face-lift to sell more products. If Apple really did believe its own nicely written copy, it would be….

At this point I realised the crowd had stopped paying attention to my speech and were now chatting amongst themselves. Except for one guy, who said ‘Sit down and shut up you angry little cunt!’
Watch the language! You sit down!
Fuck you.
No, Fuck you!
At this point people started paying attention again.
Fuck you all. You’re all sheep. Go on; buy another gadget, Baaaaaa, Baaaaaa. Blind sheep. Obsess over a brand. Worship false idols. Baaaaaaa.
A chair was thrown on stage, followed by a ball of fire. The chair hit me in the stomach, which hurt dearly, causing me to momentarily fall to the ground, my face grimacing in pain. Everyone laughed.
Ah fuck it. Time to step it up a notch.
I pulled out my iPad, and presented it to the crowd, Steve Jobs style (minus the pointy thing in my pants). I raised it high above my head, held it for a minute, before letting it drop to the floor, shattering it to pieces. The crowd gasped in horror, and were now panicking, ‘This guy’s crazy’, they said. I then pulled out a can of petrol, like a magician pulls out props from his bag of tricks, and doused it all over the iPad. I waited another minute, before lighting a match, this time in the style of a clown doing tricks, and flicked the flame onto the iPad. A lady let out a horror-movie-style scream. A man fainted. The mood was one of pure fear. The flames rose high. I then stripped naked, my Gap jeans, my H&M t-shirt, my CK boxers, they all came off. I pulled out a robe and walking stick from my bag, and put them on, signaling I had now rejected the artificial values of the 30-second TVC styled world we now live in. I stood behind the flames, which were now raging, laughing into them like a madman. ‘Fuck Apple and its fake values! Fuck consumerism! Fuck false idols! I am king. Burn Apple, 2-faced devil, buuuuuuurrrrrrnnn!’. By now the entire auditorium was filled with screams. Riot police entered from all corners. It was chaos.

I put on my cape and darted out of the building, moving like a fox. I hailed down a passing truck, which pulled over and asked, ‘Where to sir?’ ‘Take me to the hills please’. ‘Which hills?’ ‘The ones far, far away from here. Please sir, just drive. I need some time away from this plastic, consumer driven world. I want to live with the village people to discover life, yeah; the village people will show me real life values.’

After days of driving we finally rolled up to a Himalayas styled mountain shrouded in mist. ‘I didn’t know we had mountains like this in the UK, this will do fine sir.’ I offered him some coins. He said, ‘Keep your coins, I want change’. As I stepped out of the van, I saw masses of people marching, angrily chanting, and thought the worst. However, now they were no longer against me, they were supporting me. My words had finally resonated with them. They had seen the light. They now saw me as their leader, wow, mum was right after all, I am special. I looked back to the driver, ‘I think change has come sir’, we had a tearful embrace and he drove away, immediately disappearing into the mist. They were waving iPad’s, iPhones, marketing material, press releases, all fuel to start a fire. Apple had been tracking the movements of the dissidents with their iPhones, and, sensing the backlash, they came down hard. All of a sudden there was a sound of mass ‘pings’, the dissidents were receiving emails from Apple, with new offers and press releases. They lowered prices to include more consumers into the ‘information revolution’, not just middle/upper class types. They gave the consumer the power to choose if they wanted to sync or not to sync. The new iPad had a new built in thought thinker. They offered to release a new iPhone with actual updates on it. They paid sweatshop workers more than the minimum market rate, they promised to be more environmentally friendly. They allowed people to criticize them. The people scorned it. The empire had fallen. I raised my fist, holding a green apple in the sky, and crushed it.

Then I woke up. The alarm from my iPhone was ringing. I checked it for emails, Apple was sending me updates. I turned on my iPad for the daily news, and saw another round of tributes to the man who changed the world, I re-read it, The. Man. Who. Changed. The. World. There were also a few articles with a sneak peak at the new iPhone, which was basically the same, but had a higher resolution camera with a higher price tag. I checked Facebook; my best friend had changed his profile pic to Steve jobs, and did another Apple status update, with links to Apple ads. As did another friend. And another. And another. I walked passed another mural for Apple. Past another Apple billboard. Something about all this didn’t seem right. Deep down, I doubted the importance of all this, the significance, like in primary school when I was told to pray to God and sing, and honour Jesus’ death. I wondered why? But I never asked. I felt guilty. So I would pray anyway. Pray. Pray. Just pray.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit
Apple.

Posted in Apple, Fiction Post Comment

The picture of a sociecty that has lost its way

I toyed with the following status updates about my deep affinity with a computer brand, but ultimately refrained, for fear of death threats, having my house burned, being labelled blasphemous, a non-believer, a hypocrite, an enemy of the party, an enemy of designers etc

  • Thanks Steve, for making my comfortable middle class world a little more comfortable. I, we, the middle/upper class in the western world, are the world. And you upgraded this world so that it is more convenient for us. We don’t care how our products are made, or who makes them, just make them please, and make them shiny. So yes, as the Apple loyalists and media are saying, you changed the world (our world that is, we are the world). Again, thanks.
  • Thanks for making technology kind of a bit easier, information a bit more accessible, and providing me with nicer looking devices. These things are key to my quest for happiness and fulfilment. Without them, I’m not sure I’d cope.
  • Thanks for your tireless philanthropy work and commitment to putting something back into the world. The world desperately needs your kind. You clearly saw a world beyond your own ego. You were on par with Bill Gates with your vision. Bill Gates started the Big History Project and The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. You… um, you clamped down on anyone who criticised you. No wait, you didn’t waste time caring too much about the human cost of producing gadgets. No, you… um… you, actually, what did you do that didn’t have a dollar sign and copyright symbol next to it? Next update.
  • Thanks for not giving me the option of owning just one of your companies products, and instead forcing me to buy all of them. I’d prefer to not have the prerequisite of owning the latest Apple Mac in order to activate my iPad, and I’d prefer to listen to the music I’ve downloaded on my iPad, on my Blackberry too. But I understand that these wishes conflict with the Empires goal of wiping out all competition and monopolising the market. I trust you. I obey you. I will buy more of your products. You know better than me. I will not question you. Make love to me.
  • Thanks for creating people at bars who spend their time obsessing over gadgets instead of looking people in the eye and engaging in an old fashioned, face to face, conversation.
  • Thanks for creating people who sit at bars showcasing pointless apps and video games. The video games are basically the same as the games I played when I was a kid, except, now they’re on a tiny screen.
  • Thanks for the words ‘You cannot view this video. Your device does not support Flash’

Stuff & Shit Editorial

For the record, I don’t think that doing business according to the law of the jungle (kill or be killed), and simply setting out to satisfy your own agenda, necessarily makes you a bad person. It’s just business, and technically, good business. And it’s the climate businesses operate in. My question is, do we really need to idolise/give thanks and free advertising to this business model? The one that won’t rest until all competition is gone and where boundless proliferation of $elf is the goal. Maybe there are other things we can find to worship and obsess over, rather than gadgets and power hungry brands. And maybe if Apple put some of its infinite wealth and power back into causes other than itself, it’d be real. Basically, if you wanna ride with Stuff & Shit, you better read the Terms and Conditions, bitch.

NOW GET OUTTA MY SIGHT!

Actually, before you go… in closing, for the Apple obsessives, I quote Elaine Benes in the Seinfeld episode where she looks around and sees everyone eating Snickers bars with a knife and fork… ‘What is wrong with you people?! Have you all gone mad?!!’

*Picture courtesy of Wayne Joyce’s Facebook page, which had the caption ‘You pathetic, sad people.’ Stuff & Shit supports this caption.

Posted in Apple Post Comment

Apples are unhealthy

Last week I was with a person who insisted on using her iphone to search for a location rather than referring to the large full colour map 5 metres away. ‘But there’s a map just there’. ‘Shut-up! It’s loading now, it will only take a few minutes.’

I was always an Apple person, PC’s were big clunky pieces of shit (still are) while Apples made sense, they were functional and easy on the eye. They also represented the underdog, competition to the monopoly of Microsoft. But somewhere along the line they turned into a monster obsessed with style, image, fashion and wanky marketing. Plus they had an annoying master like Steve Jobs who developed an erection every time he unveiled a new bit of Apple porn to the hooting fan boys. They became a symbol of pretension, bureaucracy and taking themselves too seriously. Dictators who threatened to suppress anyone who would dare criticise or mock them, often with force. Despite this dictatorship/cult/religion, millions remained true to them, worshipped them, defended them, queued for hours and hours just to get their hands on them and endlessly marketed them on social networking sites. Those who weren’t caught up in the cult became sick of having their eyes poked out by Apple erections and propaganda. They would say it’s just a fucking phone with internet. It’s good, but it’s not that good. The media sensed a backlash brewing and swooped to start an anti-Apple revolution, glorifying the slightest technical flaw in the regime in an effort to liberate its people. But they were too late. The cult members were too far gone. The media backlash only strengthened their resolve. While the media meant well, all they achieved was making Apple out to be a selfless martyr, a victim of the haters. The cult members explained that no-one knew Steve like they did. We need him. We need this. They would test their iPhone4 and see the signal failure was mainly just a myth, raising their phones in the air in a salute to Steve before lowering them again to studiously tapping away at their latest app.

So that’s that. I am still an Apple man, despite all the malarkey I need to be, and, pretentious cult shit wank aside, they actually do make good things. Nevertheless, I Adrian Guerin, hereby solemnly swear, that I will never get caught up in the Apple cult. I understand that while my livlehood relies on the use of Apple products, I will always remember that it is just a wanky brand. I will never get sexually aroused by an Apple product. I will never market and promote apple propaganda in a positive way unless I am paid a large sum of money to do so. I will never queue for longer than 5 minutes to purchase a phone. I will never fall victim to the uber savvy marketing and shiny style of apple. I am an independent, freethinking human being. I am not an Apple obsessive.

Posted in Analysis, Apple Post Comment

iPad. iDon’t think so

Here are some of the best and worst comments made in the world of blogging and journalism last week:

The Worst

Blogger: How does apple always know what we need before we need it?

It’s called marketing. You’re exactly the type of brand obsessive that allows the archetypal ad man to drive a Porsche to work instead of a more humble Saab. I bought it, because they told me to.

Stephen Fry: I want to fondle it and lick it.

There are these things called females (or in your case, men) Stephen. Find one. NOW.

The Best

Blogger: …but hey, it looks COOL, is THIN and is made by APPLE… so better buy one.

I like your style, let’s exchange notes.

Blogger: Steve Jobs is not the Messiah, he’s a business with a gullible customer base.

Ditto.

I came up with some clever names for the iPad. They are: iSad, iShat, iDon’t give a shit about discovering new ways to browse the web or the idea of reading a novel on a screen. iAm not a mac nerd who gets aroused every time apple breaks news/wind, iAm going to Thailand in less than 2 weeks, iAm thinking of growing a mid nineties style bob-cut.

Posted in Apple Post Comment