‘That takes 5 years off you’…

… Is what someone said in response to my latest haircut and beard trim. ‘I can’t go too short’ I said, ‘Otherwise it will have a very, very, very dire effect on my life’. ‘Really, how so?’

If my hair is too short and I am clean-shaven, I start to look like a little boy and find it difficult to be taken seriously in client meetings. In such meetings, the client may be giving their thoughts on an important issue, during which time they may catch a glimpse of me in the corner of their eye, they’ll continue speaking though will become increasingly sidetracked, before abruptly halting…

‘I’m sorry, ah, why is there a little boy in this meeting? This is a serious meeting. Does this company not take me seriously as a client? Little boy, why are you here?’

‘Um, I’m 31’

’31? Is this an April Fools joke? This child is not 31!’

‘I really am, look here (reaches for wallet to get ID)…’

At this point the manager, 8 years my senior, steps in to save the day…

‘We’re deeply sorry Important Client, today is Follow-Your-Dad-To-Work-Day at Adrian’s School, Adrian is my son’

‘Oh I’m sorry little boy’

‘Adrian, you better leave now, go on, go and play with your toys outside’

‘But I’m 31…’

Raucous laughter erupts.. ‘Ha Ha Ha, of course you’re 31. That’s classic. Kids are so great’

Stubble must be grown with caution, however, because if it grows too far beyond stubble and starts becoming a fully-fledged beard, I begin to resemble a strange hybrid boy-man cross, kinda like an entry into the Guinness Book of Records ‘Children With Beards’ section. Or a circus freak appearing in the ‘Lady with a Moustache’ segment. If I let my hair grow too long, its lack of texture makes it start looking like a helmet. Or a Lego Man. So it’s a delicate mix indeed.

Posted in Conversations, Self Critique Post Comment

Pub Talk

That girl you fancy, y’know I think she’s engaged now.

What? You’re joking, that’s devastating. I’m going to need to have a crank now.

Crank? What’s that?

Crying while having a wank.

Posted in Conversations Post Comment

Quotes of the Week

I’m not getting old, I was just getting fat.
Revelation after losing weight while sick recontoured the shape of my face to reveal it wasn’t changing with age, it was just changing with curry and chocolate.

This is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in.
Not me, mine is 6 years.
Really? With who?
My penis during my teens.

‘Squeeze in everyone, there is no dignity in a situation like this’.
Witty comment made by rush hour commuter attempting to board the notorious Northern Line.

Posted in Conversations Post Comment


Overheard around and about:

“I find it hard to go to the loo as quite often I’m on an erection”

“I am done being corporately raped”.

“It’s like a dark cloud just drifted over me” (what it’s like when I enter a room).

Posted in Conversations Post Comment


The following is a series of questions that have been raised over the years in relation to all things sexual. A new low for the blog.

What else was I supposed to do?
This was the question asked while a friend regaled the story of the time he accidentally locked himself in a cupboard for an entire day, so to pass the time he wanked. What else was I supposed to do?

Would ya?
This is the hypothetical question my boss would ask at the Bottle Shop/Off License/Liquor store in which I worked during my teens. He lived for woman. Worshipped them. His name was Shifty. The question related to the girl in the store at that moment, and whether I would be willing to engage in acts of a sexual nature with her if the situation arose. Would ya? Me being the gentlemen I am would obviously always say ‘I’d prefer not to answer that Shifty, our customers are not sex objects’.

Don’t you hate it when you see a girl so hot it ruins your day?
I have one particular friend who has his day ruined quite often. He’s not getting any love from the ladies, so when he sees a hot girl he gets no joy from it. He just grimaces and looks away. It’s all too much.

Can you relieve yourself when Mr Johnson is staring straight back at you?
I think that’s the best way of phrasing this one, use your imagination. The answer was yes, with great difficulty.

What’s the point in that?
That’s what I ask when I see a gaunt, frail super model. If there are no fun wobbly bits then there’s little point in it I say.

It’s kinda like a disease, isn’t it?
This was the question posed on man’s eternal desire for woman, it’s a disease. There’s no cure, just treatment. Some men get themselves into a lot of trouble battling the disease (John Terry, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, most footballers etc), others learn how to have their cake and eat it too (David Beckam).

Let’s not kid ourselves in thinking men are the sole possessors of the disease, woman have it too. Sometimes I think they have it worse. But woman have to conceal their disease and keep it a secret, while men just say ‘I live for woman. I have a disease. I’m comfortable with that’.

If you have anymore questions please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Posted in Conversations Post Comment