I’m launching a new segment called Things That Incite Thoughts of a Suicidal Nature. In other words, stuff that annoys me. My moderator read this post and advised changing it to Further Evidence Adrian Is Turning Into A Prick. I have elected to ignore this advice and stick with the former, because I am NOT turning into a prick, I have always been one.
I get suicidal tendencies when: I hear voices. Not the ones in my head, Dr Varney is helping me with those and says I’m improving each week. This point is more to do with certain people’s voices, like those at work. Like the guy who always speaks as though he’s talking to a little child, probably because he has small children, so it’s just rubbed of permanently, like an accent. Sometimes it borders on sounding retarded.
Another who is always on the phone and will always say, without fail, ‘Hellooo, you alright?’ in a painfully cheerful tone. Painfully cheerful. It sounds fine just once, or 10 times even, but try hearing the same expression, in the same ridiculous tone, 80. Fucking. Times. A. Day. In a really loud and intrusive way. Over and over and over. He never seems to go for lunch, he’s the first in the office, and the last to leave. Once he said ‘How the devil are you?’ in the same tone, then he went back to ‘Hellooo, you alright?’ His, is a truly ridiculous voice, nice guy though.
A disliked member of staff who is constantly muttering and mumbling vitriol about other staff members… You got it, me. Next.
Having your work bastardised. It’s not always bad though, once there was a request to change the spatial relationship between the word ‘Magnificent’ and an image on a design I was doing. The result? It looked kinda like ‘Magnificunt’. Sweet justice.
Just on that, maybe we have a new word here, for someone who is capable of great things, whether artistic or otherwise, but is a bit of a c*** in person. Think the guy who played Kramer, Michael Richards, or a lot of talented Graphic Designers, they’re Magnific*nt. Maybe I’m Magnific*nt? No, I’m just a c***. Ok, enough obscenities, next point.
I hate it when I masturbate and… HEY! Keep it clean, none of that smut on here. Ok voice inside head, sorry.
I get suicidal tendencies when: people with toxic breath speak at close range. I read somewhere that someone had designed a product to combat this: a handy pocket-sized fire hydrant with maximum strength. The technique is to say, ‘Hold on a minute, what’s that in your mouth? Open it for a sec…’ then blast the shit (literally) outta there. Sweet justice.
I get suicidal tendencies when: I get the dream spot on the train, and I have to give it up to a bloody pregnant woman (not literally bloody, as in, she’s in labour, bloody, as in British slang). See, I’m Magnific*nt.
No, you’re just a c***.
Be quiet, you’re not real.
I can’t go away, I’m you.
You’re not me, I’m me.
You are me. We are together. We are in love.
Oh no, Its happening again. Dr varney?
The abbreviation LOL. I don’t know why, it just rubs me up the wrong way. Like when I masturbate, and… ‘HEY! That’s 2 strikes, one more and you’re out.’
When straight men write emails to straight men and leave a kiss at the end. Not allowed. If you’re gay, by all means fire away with as many kisses as you like, if not, then just stop being a wanker. Note, when I do it at the end of posts, I do so ironically. I do almost everything ironically now, it’s hard to tell the difference anymore. When I meet new people I don’t know how to act. I don’t know who I am. You’re great Adrian, don’t forget that. Thanks Adrian, let’s never fight again. Lights out.
Thanks everyone xxx
Please vote, do you think this post is:
a) Clever, witty, insightful, definitely one of the better posts!
b) Nasty, crude, vulgar and frankly unnecessary. Stuff & Shit? No thanks!
c) Further Evidence Adrian is turning into a prick
d) Further evidence Adrian is judging you at all times
e) Further evidence Adrian put the c*** in Magnifi.
I vote for a, b, c, d and e.