More Brain cells Lost

So a dipshit pastor threatens to take a stance by burning the Quran as a symbol of defiance. In retaliation, like-minded dipshits defy the defiance by burning a flag and threatening violence, also as a stance. A President is forced to make a statement and it is a global story taking up newsworthy space on the front page of newspapers. In the end nothing happens and we lose more vital brain cells, then ask the same question Elaine once asked in an episode of Seinfeld “What is wrong with you people, have you all gone mad”

 Hands up who’s in favour of all Gods having a get together in aid of sorting out their differences and reaching an agreement on what their actual message is, with a view to amicably moving forward? But this might be difficult, seeing as though there’s only one God according to these Monotheism religions, isn’t there? This is an interesting point, has anyone told the evangelists? There is only a one in three chance of their story being real, meaning there are billions of people worshiping a fallacy. They can’t all be real, shouldn’t they be told?

God co-coordinator: “Ah really sorry mate, it turns out none of this shit actually happened. It was those guys over there, they had the right version. Their God was the right one. Ah, actually, that goes for everyone. Bit of shoosh, eyes up, your attention please. The God you’re worshipping, you know the one you devoted your lives to, turns out he was actually a fish. The files somehow got mixed up. The real God hangs out with them (pointing somewhere else). They were right. Sorry, I know no one wants to hear this on a Friday, but you can’t all be right, deep down you must have known this was possible? You can’t be that stubborn can you? Now, what I’m going to ask is that you all form an orderly line and slowly move over to the real God group and worship there, there’s still plenty of time to make up for incorrect worshipping before you die. Alternatively, you are more than welcome to create a new fallacy by which to live. If opting for the latter, you are encouraged to break into sects defined by the contrasting interpretations of your message. Please squabble, please bicker. Don’t be afraid to invade countries in the name of your new fallacy. If you’re invaded, feel free to invade back in which ever mode you see fit, but remember to mention your new fallacy when you do so, it’s good airplay. Also, most importantly, make sure your collective actions are defined by a string of discrepancies that bare little resemblance to the essence of your message, and when people take issue with this, call them forces of evil. This will ensure one of your key objectives will be realised: eventually losing relevance to society. It will be hard work, as the next thousand years will undoubtedly see change and progress in the world, but you must stand firm so that you engage in neither”.

Worshippers: But what should our prophecy be?

Your prophecy? Ok I’ll help you out, might I add that I’m not a prophet, I’m just a God co-coordinator. Anyway, your prophecy… CONTRADICTION. Worship and defend it at all costs.

Contradiction? But isn’t that the Roman Catholic Church?

Um (checks Bible, calls Pope), so it is, um…ok, all I will say is this… what is that over there????

Everyone turns.

*Yoink* (God co-coordinator runs away).

Thanks everyone, god bless you. xx

Posted in Religion Post Comment

Tour dates/Tour in jeopardy

The forthcoming Thailand tour is in jeopardy due to an untimely bout of sickness. Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Shiva… whichever one of you is most powerful or most right, I’ll worship you till I go to that better place, if you can just get me better tomorrow. I’ll become a born again Christian. I’ll take back my stance of believing in reality. I’ll stop having sex, and when I get the urge, I’ll just entrap a little boy. I’ll become homophobic. I swear (not to you of course), I’ll walk into work tomorrow and tell all the dirty gays they are evil. They are sick. All my sick gay friends form my past… I’ll disown them. My gay Uncle, I’ll tell him he is no longer related to me until he finds a way to suppress who he is. I’ll change my stance that, if I have kids, they will need to walk over my dead body before they go anywhere near a Christian School. I’m happy for them to be brainwashed for 12 years like I was, to be told at the age of 7, they must worship Jesus and constantly sing about him. For them to feel most suspicious about Brother Rory, Brother David and Brother, Oh Brother how I like little boys.

On second thoughts, fuck Thailand, I forfeit it. I’ll stay sick.

Sorry to the devout Christians I may have offended. Actually, no I’m not. You’ve offended me my whole life and have never once aplogised. Wear it.

Posted in Religion Post Comment