Q&A

I literally get thousands of emails each week from curious readers seeking to find out more about the man behind Stuff & Shit. I recently agreed to a Q&A:

You’ve been described by your enemies as small and angry. Your friends however, describe you as… small and angry. Why the anger? Is it because you’re a small man?
I’m not angry, just deeper. I see the truth more clearly than the rest of society, I’m basically operating on another level, a higher level, and my increased understanding of the way things really operate contribute to my vents of frustration. If you knew what I know, you’d be angry too. But you’re swimming in a pool of your own ignorance. You are down here (pointing to ground) I am up here (pointing higher). The fact I’m a small man, as you put it, is irrelevant.

Do you see the irony in the analogy you just made, me being down here, as you put it, and you up here? You’re 4″3. The only people that look up to you are little kids, and even most of them are taller than you.
No need to get nasty. I’m trying my best here. I’m trying to be a good man.

Ok, sorry. Is it true you recently bought shoes with a heel to be taller.
I did, it’s not exactly a platform shoe or anything, it probably just gives me an extra inch or so. That can be crucial in certain situations. It’s given me more confidence so I’m happy with the purchase.

Favourite song:
Girls just wanna have fun

I thought you’d say, I wish I was a little bit taller.
Petty joke for a petty man.

Most embarrassing moment:
I once went on a blind date with a girl who was 6″3. We were each others’ pity date, apparently. At the end she tried to kiss me, which meant she basically had to kneel down. Everyone laughed, I was humiliated.

Do the short man jokes have a use-by date?
I recently bought pills from the Internet that supposedly make people taller, so we’ll wait and see I guess. My mum assures me that I still have another growth spurt left in me, fingers crossed!

What has been your best moment to date?
Once a colleague said he found it kinda odd that I was the subject of so many short jokes, because he didn’t think I was that short. Highly emotional, I hugged him. It bordered on an aggressive hug. He immediately tried to repel the hug and told me to get away from him. I think he swore, ‘Fuck off you little shit, what the hell is wrong with you’, something like that. We haven’t spoken since. But apart from that, it was my best moment.

You recently bought a bike and started cycling everywhere. Is it true that a week after purchasing the bike, you realised it was a kids bike?
Yes, I ride a kids bike. Next question.
Actually, can I have a look a these questions, they all seem to be of a similar nature. ‘Here, gimme that!’ (Lurches forward to snatch notes)

Hey! Back off Leprechaun! (Hunches over to protect notes) I ask the questions round here. Relax, we’ve covered all the short questions.

Now, are you worried that if you ever have kids with a short woman, the kids will be tiny little freaks? Adrian….? Adrian….? I think we lost him guys.

Posted in Self Critique, Self Harm Post Comment

‘That takes 5 years off you’…

… Is what someone said in response to my latest haircut and beard trim. ‘I can’t go too short’ I said, ‘Otherwise it will have a very, very, very dire effect on my life’. ‘Really, how so?’

If my hair is too short and I am clean-shaven, I start to look like a little boy and find it difficult to be taken seriously in client meetings. In such meetings, the client may be giving their thoughts on an important issue, during which time they may catch a glimpse of me in the corner of their eye, they’ll continue speaking though will become increasingly sidetracked, before abruptly halting…

‘I’m sorry, ah, why is there a little boy in this meeting? This is a serious meeting. Does this company not take me seriously as a client? Little boy, why are you here?’

‘Um, I’m 31’

’31? Is this an April Fools joke? This child is not 31!’

‘I really am, look here (reaches for wallet to get ID)…’

At this point the manager, 8 years my senior, steps in to save the day…

‘We’re deeply sorry Important Client, today is Follow-Your-Dad-To-Work-Day at Adrian’s School, Adrian is my son’

‘Oh I’m sorry little boy’

‘Adrian, you better leave now, go on, go and play with your toys outside’

‘But I’m 31…’

Raucous laughter erupts.. ‘Ha Ha Ha, of course you’re 31. That’s classic. Kids are so great’

Stubble must be grown with caution, however, because if it grows too far beyond stubble and starts becoming a fully-fledged beard, I begin to resemble a strange hybrid boy-man cross, kinda like an entry into the Guinness Book of Records ‘Children With Beards’ section. Or a circus freak appearing in the ‘Lady with a Moustache’ segment. If I let my hair grow too long, its lack of texture makes it start looking like a helmet. Or a Lego Man. So it’s a delicate mix indeed.

Posted in Conversations, Self Critique Post Comment

New Years Resolutions

Seek to redefine perceptions of height: short=cool, tall=burden

Finish memoirs
Masturbate less
Domesticate a wild animal
Seek redemption
Resolve dispute with neighbours’ children
Draw up chapter 4 of manifesto
Lose virginity
Become a man

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Why is it so? And surely he couldn’t be?

When my sister was in town, she was asked why on earth her brother didn’t have a girlfriend. I get a bit pissed when people ask this question in a gasping, ‘why on earth?!’ manner, like, ‘What’s wrong with you, how could this be, you must be doing something wrong’. Like it’s some sort of failure or character flaw to be single. I think it’s much more of a failure to remain in a failed relationship, or to just shamelessly hop from one relationship to the next because you can’t stand your own company. So I say to them ‘I have had girlfriends before, and I’d like to think I haven’t closed the account altogether, it’ll happen again… back the fuck off!’ Then apologise for getting angry and swearing at them.

Once while discussing how my younger brother was now the father of two kids, and my sister was all hooked up, it was put to me ‘Are your parents worried about you being gay?’ No Paul Hicks, they’re not. You’re thinking of your parents, and they were right. It’s perfectly possible for a guy to be clean, single and straight. That said, I recently embarked on yoga classes, you know, to assimilate the mind and body. Whenever I tell one of my straight male friends of this initiative, they usually ask ‘Yoga? Shit, what sort of guy are you anyway?’ To which I usually respond with ‘Well, I don’t really know. On one hand I like football, woman and beer, which makes me a legitimate bloke. On the other hand, I like to dablle in spiritual, gay stuff like introspection, yoga and meditation. Shit, I’m confused’.

I do often ponder what it means when I embark on such antics, look around, and see 30 woman in the room and no men. Then reflect on how I have twice as many girl friends as guy friends. And then, somehow, I have ended up prancing around in the theatre industry. Shit. Shit. Shit.

So I think we should put it to a vote.

What sort of guy am I anyway?
a) Gay.
b) A guy scraping at the barrel of new ways to meet woman.
c) Your average straight guy, who just happens to be a designer. Working in theatre. Who does yoga. And cleans a lot.
d) A wanker.

You’ll probably say a or b. I think it’s more d.

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