I literally get thousands of emails each week from curious readers seeking to find out more about the man behind Stuff & Shit. I recently agreed to a Q&A:

You’ve been described by your enemies as small and angry. Your friends however, describe you as… small and angry. Why the anger? Is it because you’re a small man?
I’m not angry, just deeper. I see the truth more clearly than the rest of society, I’m basically operating on another level, a higher level, and my increased understanding of the way things really operate contribute to my vents of frustration. If you knew what I know, you’d be angry too. But you’re swimming in a pool of your own ignorance. You are down here (pointing to ground) I am up here (pointing higher). The fact I’m a small man, as you put it, is irrelevant.

Do you see the irony in the analogy you just made, me being down here, as you put it, and you up here? You’re 4″3. The only people that look up to you are little kids, and even most of them are taller than you.
No need to get nasty. I’m trying my best here. I’m trying to be a good man.

Ok, sorry. Is it true you recently bought shoes with a heel to be taller.
I did, it’s not exactly a platform shoe or anything, it probably just gives me an extra inch or so. That can be crucial in certain situations. It’s given me more confidence so I’m happy with the purchase.

Favourite song:
Girls just wanna have fun

I thought you’d say, I wish I was a little bit taller.
Petty joke for a petty man.

Most embarrassing moment:
I once went on a blind date with a girl who was 6″3. We were each others’ pity date, apparently. At the end she tried to kiss me, which meant she basically had to kneel down. Everyone laughed, I was humiliated.

Do the short man jokes have a use-by date?
I recently bought pills from the Internet that supposedly make people taller, so we’ll wait and see I guess. My mum assures me that I still have another growth spurt left in me, fingers crossed!

What has been your best moment to date?
Once a colleague said he found it kinda odd that I was the subject of so many short jokes, because he didn’t think I was that short. Highly emotional, I hugged him. It bordered on an aggressive hug. He immediately tried to repel the hug and told me to get away from him. I think he swore, ‘Fuck off you little shit, what the hell is wrong with you’, something like that. We haven’t spoken since. But apart from that, it was my best moment.

You recently bought a bike and started cycling everywhere. Is it true that a week after purchasing the bike, you realised it was a kids bike?
Yes, I ride a kids bike. Next question.
Actually, can I have a look a these questions, they all seem to be of a similar nature. ‘Here, gimme that!’ (Lurches forward to snatch notes)

Hey! Back off Leprechaun! (Hunches over to protect notes) I ask the questions round here. Relax, we’ve covered all the short questions.

Now, are you worried that if you ever have kids with a short woman, the kids will be tiny little freaks? Adrian….? Adrian….? I think we lost him guys.

Posted in Self Critique, Self Harm Post Comment