Never have I been so sad to leave a country. Each time i leave Australia, I’m slightly devastated, and it was very difficult leaving England, but to feel such a deep sense of melancholy after a 30 day trip is without precedent. Without precedent I tell you! At the airport I had a wifi connection, and as if on cue, I read the the news that the US and Iran might be close to a deal, a deal that would surely avert an unnecessary war. I tearfully embraced those around me. They were confused by my show of affection, some were scared. I forcefully hugged them anyway. It created great tension in the departure lounge and caused everyone to gravitate to one side of the room.

Good to see Obama finally doing something that begins to justify his Nobel Peace Prize. Obviously, Congress and Israel are still foaming at the mouth for war, however – as with any childcare centre, the children will scream and the adults will talk. Sometimes it’s just best to let the children scream, because to pamper to their every need is to just encourage them to keep screaming. Eventually, they stop screaming and move onto something else.

My distrust of large chunks of our media has now reached critical levels, we have irreconcilable differences and as such have agreed to part ways. If someone asks if i want to watch the news, I’m going to say, ‘I’m sorry, watch what?’. They’ll clarify, ‘The news you dick’. ‘Oh, i’m sorry, I don’t recognise the news. It’s illegitimate’. ‘Ok, wanker’. ‘Gullible fool’.

As my plane left Iran, I burst open the door for one final act of passion by waving my fist triumphantly to the people below, ‘There’s always hope!’. They all shooed me away, ‘Yeah, yeah, you’re going on a bit too much about it now, go off and see your girlfriend, we’ll be fine’. Security came and asked me to sit down. I hugged them. They pulled their guns out and said, ‘This is the last time, sit the fuck down or we’ll nuke you!’. ‘You mean you really are building a bomb?’. ‘Yep. Now sit!’. As the plane took off, i listened to The Beatles track ‘Imagine’, bopping my head and singing loudly to the chorus. Staff asked me to switch off my phone, I said, ‘Hold on, hold on… this is the best bit of the song…IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE…’. She nodded to security who immediately stood up. I complied, ‘Ok, ok, it’s off’. I looked out the window and mused, ‘Everything’s gonna be alright. Yeah, everything’s gonna be alright’.

For the past 30 days I have been in Iran. These are my stories: