In response to the media’s unrelenting attacks on my sanity for my decision to travel to Iran, I’ve decided to call a press conference, the intention being to set the record straight about the level of actual danger I’ll face in Iran, as opposed to the pretend danger.

Thanks for coming at such short notice everyone, there’s not much time, so I’ll keep this brief. There has been an endless barrage of concern about my safety, and my sanity, for placing Iran on my itinerary. Endless talk of Iran being dangerous place for travellers. Such talk is unfounded, and my staff and I find it grossly offensive to suggest that we would be so naive as to travel to a dangerous country. If you think Iran is a dangerous place for travellers, with complete respect, it’s probably because you don’t know a lot about Iran. If anyone can give me an actual reason for why this trip is any more dangerous, than say New York, Rio or a Greek party island, I’ll cancel it right now. Over to you…

In your opening statement, you referred to ‘your staff’. However, you’re on your own, are you crazy?


Iranians are unpredictable people, many are religious extremists/terrorists. You won’t be safe with them.

How many Iranians have you met? Hey, Sherlock! I asked you a question, how many have you met?

Well, none, but on the news I saw..

Please, please stop. You’re embarrassing yourself. You’ve never been to Iran, and never met an Iranian, but yet you’re convinced they’re dangerous people? So I take it you think all Americans are members of the CIA, too? Put your copy of the Daily Telegraph down, go online, and Google ‘Backpacking Iran’. You’ll find endless travel blogs of people who have actually been to Iran. Your challenge: find one, just one, that says it was dangerous. Find one that doesn’t say that Iranians are the friendliest, most welcoming people they’ve ever met. You just need to find one. Then go onto Amazon, and enter ‘Iran’ into the search engine, and take a look at how many respected writers are making the point that the west urgently needs to change its militant stance on Iran. That the west’s position is based on myths, and it is a position that is flirting with catastrophe. Then read ‘Lonely Planet Iran’. Then, tell me again that Iranians are dangerous people. These fears you have, they are based on what exactly? The news? There’s your answer kid, don’t believe everything you see on the news, it’s cherry picked for your entertainment. What are you going to learn in a 2 minute clip, or 3 paragraph article? Next!!

What are your thoughts on Iran’s continued defiance of international law to build a nuclear bomb?

Firstly, can you please present to me the evidence you have on their desire to build a bomb. *Silence*. Hey! I asked you a question, hand me some evidence.

I don’t have any with my, but Obama said

Ok, I’ll stop you right there. You don’t have any evidence, because there is no evidence. Never has been. You should have learnt your lesson after Iraq. Iran may be building a bomb, but until there is evidence, there also may be a unique breed of wild dogs who roam freely on the moon. You wanna talk about international law? Surprising, because most western politicians and journalists stay well clear of the subject. There’s a good reason for this, it’s because the west doesn’t actually follow international law, it just sets it. Firstly, it’s illegal to threaten to bomb a country, so the US and Israel are guilty of that charge. Secondly, Iran is a signatory of the The Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons (NPT), a status that gives them the indisputable right to enrich uranium. Under international law, they are permitted to enrich uranium. It was one of the clear stipulations of the treaty, a countries’ sovereign right to enrich uranium on its own soil is a right that should always be protected. The Netherlands, Argentina, Brazil, Germany and Japan also have uranium-enrichment facilities as signatories of the NPT. So, far from being in defiance of international law, they act firmly within it. You’ll never hear Obama or Netanyahu talk about the treaty though. There’s good reason for this, firstly, Israel isn’t a signatory of the NPT. Secondly, if they acknowledged Iran’s sovereign right to enrich uranium, they wouldn’t be able to justify the economic sanctions, or a much sought after terror attack. The economic sanctions, btw, are not mandated by the UN. They’re also not supported by pretty much the entire world. It’s only a select few countries that are worried about Iran. They just happen to be the world’s police states, so they’re the only ones that matter. Aren’t the police supposed to obey the law too? Of course not. Next!!

You know that a German was on death row for having sex with a Muslim in Iran? And 2 Americans were detained for hiking on the border?

Yes I know, we all know, because it’s the type of news story we all love. It’s not really news though: if you enter a country illegally, you’re going to be in the shit, just ask Australia. Same scenario if you blatantly disrespect the customs. I don’t agree with many of the customs, but I’m not going to choose now to protest them. I have my entry visa and plan to enter via the appropriate channels. I’m not having sex in Iran. I’m not taking drugs, or drinking alcohol. If I don’t get hit by a bus, I’ll be fine.

It has Sharia Law, They’re crazy.

Yes, sharia law is crazy. So is the number of americans shooting each other everyday, so is the invasion of Iraq, so is Clapham High street on a Saturday night. Glass houses. I’m not going to test the boundaries of sharia law, so it won’t affect me. If, as a traveller, you plan on breaking the law in the countries you visit, you’re going to find trouble. Whether in SE Asia, Australia or Iran. If you obey the law, you won’t find trouble, unless you’re going to a dangerous country, which Iran is not.

Why are you such an apologist for Iran?

There are a lot of myths about Iran, this has been proved by people’s reaction to me going. I don’t think the US or Israel should bomb them, so I’ll always go into bat for that to be avoided. That’s not batting for Iran, it’s batting for sanity.

What about the terrorists though. Aren’t you afraid of being hung?

Ok, this press conference is over. Ignorant! The lotta you! Blind sheep, baaah, baaah, watch Sky News, read the Herald-Sun. Wake up and see past your own balls.

That’s when I pulled out my AK 47…

‘You want danger, this is dangerous!’

Security enters to restrain.

‘The truth, seek the truth!!!’

I was injected with a sedative, but the point was made. My team quickly drove me to the border and threw my body over, with an accompanying note ‘This prick has been talking about Iran for a year, take him, he’s yours’. My hanging is tomorrow, please try and attend.

Allah bless xx